


Something to Save

by thesalmondean



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Accidental Death, Angst, Basically pure and constant angst., Canon divergence and re-vergence, Emotional Manipulation, Feb 2015 canon DIVERGES, January 2016 Canon RE-VERGES, M/M, POV Alternating, Prison mentions, References to prior intimacy, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-19 10:58:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 42,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8203201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesalmondean/pseuds/thesalmondean
Summary: ***PLEASE NOTE: This fic will NOT be completed. I am no longer writing Emmerdale fic.*** In the aftermath of Katie's death, what if things had gone differently? What if Robert had been forced to take responsibility for his role in the tragic accident that took Katie's life?





	1. Homecoming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story will primarily cover October 2015 through January 2016 (with some flashbacks to before October 2015), and will address things between Robert and Aaron in different or alternative ways than what occurred in show. Some events will be familiar in timing, tone, effect, and repercussions, while others will be vastly different (like most importantly - no lodge scenes or threats to Paddy/Leo/Rhona). POV will alternate between Aaron and Robert.

**~~~ October 2015 ~~~**

Today was _the_ day – and no amount of denying it would make that fact untrue, or prevent the day's events from happening altogether.

The level of tension in his muscles made his whole body feel like it was electrically charged; the moment he’d opened his eyes his senses had been on overload. The knot of nerves that had been slowly growing in his gut the last few weeks was suddenly so big he thought he might throw up. Aaron wished himself back to sleep, that he could skip this day and just wake up tomorrow.

He couldn't, though. The day was here and he was now faced with it, regardless of how unprepared and uncertain he was. Wrapped up in the cocooned warmth of the bedsheets, Aaron took several deep breaths before reluctantly rolling out of bed.

Thirty minutes later he bounded unceremoniously down the stairs, flinging open the door to the backroom of the pub to find his mum and Diane chatting in soft voices over the register till. As Aaron came into the room they quieted and after a brief moment of all of them looking at each other, Diane offered a nod and a smile towards him before picking up the till and heading out the other door towards the pub proper. Aaron watched her go, unable to quell the deep, primal fear that somehow she _knew_ all his secrets; even though Aaron also knew it was impossible. Not even his mother knew all this secrets...

"Mornin', love," Chas hummed from her seat at the small table, mug cradled in her hands and a half-eaten piece of toast on the plate in front of her.

Aaron looked at her for a moment before responding with a silent scowl. He moved quickly across the room to the small kitchen, grabbing a few pieces of fruit from the bowl on the table and stuffing them into his coat pockets. He felt his mother’s eyes on him the entire time.

Everyone knew the significance of the day; it had been the topic of conversation and idle gossip all over the village for the last month. But his mum knew the significance of the day _for him;_ thankfully she hadn't said anything about it to his face, though Aaron felt certain now the day was here she wouldn't be able to help herself (and if he were honest, he was just a bit impressed she'd managed to say nothing about it so far).

"So he's getting out today," Chas said then, on cue and as if knowing Aaron’s exact thoughts. Though truth be told she probably did know Aaron's thoughts. She likely figured, rightly, that he'd be thinking of nothing else this morning.

 _Here we go_ , Aaron groaned inwardly, his stomach clenching uncomfortably and the large knot of nerves settled firmly in his gut sending screaming warning shots through his body, leaving him nearly breathless. He didn’t respond; he simply stared over his mum’s head and into the kitchen where a pile of dishes sat in the sink, waiting to be washed.

"Diane was just telling me how excited they all are," his mum went on sounding oddly nonchalant, as if this were just another day, “well she and Vic are excited anyway. Andy’s not quite so chuffed.”

Aaron could feel her staring at him; examining him for any cracks in the façade he'd carefully crafted before coming downstairs; looking for any apparent weakness or hint of emotional turmoil with regards to the mention of _him_.  Aaron fought with all his might to maintain his neutral expression. He _had_ to prove to her he didn’t care, even if deep inside he was falling apart.

Aaron finally looked at her, but he remained silent. Her expression was contrary to her tone; her face was a mix of concern, and worry, and her own sort of anxiousness and it tore at Aaron’s heart; his mum who loved him…but who didn’t know the whole truth. If she did Aaron wasn’t so sure she’d care this much about his well-being.

Biting down hard he swallowed the words to the unspoken confession that lingered constantly on his lips. The last week had been a neverending battle with his conscience, and more than once he’d been mere moments from admitting everything to her. He knew it was selfish, his need to be discovered and held accountable; punished. It’d only succeed in making himself feel better though, and it would end up hurting his mum more than she needed or deserved. She’d barely managed these last months as it was – missing Katie, arguing with Diane before finding a common ground and a truce between them. Aaron knew how hard she had worked to recover from the loss, and his heart broke each time he thought how it had been his own actions that had hurt his mother that badly.

Offering a quick, tight-lipped smile he battled the complex mixture of guilt, and remorse, and anger, and sadness that washed over him, threatening to pull him under and drown him.

This emotional struggle was a daily occurrence, though Aaron wouldn’t pretend it hadn’t grown steadily worse as the news of _his_ release had first broken, then spread; he wouldn't pretend his struggle hadn't begun increasing at an exponential rate as the day drew ever near. Every day he fought the urge to tell his mum all of it; and every day he won - so far. But, whether his mum ever knew of his involvement or not, Aaron knew his day of reckoning was upon him, of that he felt certain. Really, it was a countdown at this point. Aaron just didn’t know what the starting number on the doomsday clock had read, and so he had no way to know when it would all come crashing in on him.

"You alright?" Chas asked with genuine concern evident in her voice. She set her mug on the table and shifted like she was about to stand.

"Fine," Aaron replied stiffly as he shuffled backwards. His voice sounded unsteady to his own ears and he was certain he wasn't fooling her in the least, "gotta go."

Turning on his heels he quickly crossed the room and escaped through the back door, closing it on his mum’s voice calling after him, "Aaron! Oi! What about brekkie?!"

* * *

It was a perfect October morning. The sky was a deep, vibrant blue with large, puffy, white clouds heavy and low on the distant horizon. The slowly rising sun provided comforting warmth that contrasted with the seasonal chill in the air as Aaron started the walk to the scrapyard, reveling in the quiet and the stillness of the morning. The exertion of the walk calmed some of his nerves, and the solitude gave him the time he needed to clear his head a bit. By the time he reached the scrap yard he felt relatively normal again - or as normal as he ever could feel with the events of the day looming.

Walking up the long drive to the yard he couldn’t help but be reminded how he and Adam’s success had been possible because of (and in spite of)  _him_. If not for that initial investment, they’d never have survived. Aaron sighed as he took the few metal steps up to unlock the portacabin door; it would seem no matter where he went he could not escape memories and reminders.

Roughly a half-hour later Adam burst through the door causing Aaron, who was seated at one of the desks finishing up some paperwork, to jump, startled. Adam, oblivious, stomped loudly into the small space seemingly without a care.

Aaron glanced up briefly before lowering his eyes to the work in front of him while sighing inwardly. Adam had a stupid grin plastered on his face, as he had had almost every day for the past few weeks. Aaron was happy for his friend, but Adam had grown nearly unbearable since he and Vic had run off to get married. Not that Aaron begrudged his best mate that happiness - it was simply irksome, and hard to bear at the moment, given the total shambles and devastation that had been left in the wake of Aaron’s last romantic entanglement.

"Alright, lad?" Adam asked with a nod, closing the door and immediately shrugging out of his jacket and hanging it up before taking down one of the high visibility vests and slipping it on.

"Yeah, good," Aaron answered evenly, eyes down, staring at the paperwork even though it was mostly complete.

"Robert's back today," Adam said then and at the sound of _his_ name Aaron floundered. No one had said it out loud to him yet, and he’d managed to stop himself from even thinking it for weeks now. But of course Adam didn’t know any better… he didn’t know about the literal shooting pain Aaron felt through his entire body at the thought of seeing _him_ again; the panic that was rising unbidden in Aaron’s chest at the very idea of seeing _his_ face; Adam didn’t know the depths of guilt and regret Aaron felt for the part he’d played in the accident that stole the life of his mum’s best mate, not to mention widowing Andy only months after he and Katie had been married.

Adam didn’t know any of that; and Aaron wasn’t about to tell him.

Dropping his left hand to his lap Aaron clenched his fist, pressing his blunt, roughened fingernails into the soft flesh of his palm - not enough to draw blood, but enough to distract him and calm his racing heart a bit. From what he could tell it went unnoticed by Adam.

"I know," Aaron finally answered when he had more control over himself, even though he also felt sure his face was betraying all his inner conflict and should Adam look at him properly, he’d see everything Aaron had been trying so hard to hide and forget since February.

"Vic's made up," Adam added, laughing.

"She was buzzing all last night getting the spare room ready for him - and then later...well, let’s just say I also had a good night."

"Hmmm," Aaron looked up and put on his best false smile. Adam was laughing to himself, practically dancing around the portacabin he was in such a great mood.

Aaron’s stomach turned unpleasantly though, and the apple he’d eaten just before Adam had walked in was now threatening to make an unwelcome reappearance. It sounded like _he_ was planning to stay in the village, at least for a little while. And while Aaron wasn't very surprised about that fact - _he_ had no one else and nowhere else to go except to Adam and Vic's – he also found the thought unnerving and upsetting. He began to seriously consider whether he should take off again; maybe go back to France for a bit…of course he knew his mum and Paddy would fight him tooth and nail if he chose to leave, but Aaron truly felt completely unprepared emotionally to face seeing _him_ around the village; to run into him at the café, or in the pub, or to see him casually walking down the street, or popping in at the yard.

"It's gonna be strange though, him living with us,” Adam chattered on, pulling his phone out of his pocket and glancing at it briefly before tossing it on the top of the desk opposite Aaron, “Andy's proper put out about it. Can’t say I blame him much."

Aaron simply stared into the middle distance, jaw clenching and fist clenching and wishing more than anything for Adam to shut up.

"But you know Vic," Adam looked at Aaron finally, smiling wide.

Aaron did know Vic. He knew how much she loved both her brothers, and he knew how hard she had worked to forgive _him_ for what had happened - even as Andy had tried to guilt and deride her for it. Aaron had witnessed more than one of their epic arguments take form in the middle of the pub when she'd come back after visiting _him_. But Victoria was goodhearted, and generous, and her family meant the world to her and she was determined to bring them all together; she had been since _his_ return the year prior. Aaron didn’t think _he_ had deserved her forgiveness and understanding, but she had given it willingly nonetheless.

So yeah...he knew.

Aaron bit at the inside of his cheek and nodded once before pushing back his chair and standing.

"Let's get to work, yeah?" Aaron said, grabbing the high vis vest draped over the back of his chair and heading out into the yard, desperate to tear apart some scrap and release some of his pent up anxiety in the process.

* * *

He couldn't think of a valid reason not to join him when later that afternoon Adam suggested they quit a bit early and go get a pint. Aaron suspected that Adam wanted to be close by when Vic returned from getting _him_ (he'd offered to go with her, he'd told Aaron, but Vic had insisted on going alone. Adam hadn't been too disappointed, he'd said, but before he could elaborate any further Aaron started cutting up the frame of the car they were stripping, shutting Adam up for at least a little while longer).

The thing was, there wasn't much work left at the yard - nothing pressing that couldn't wait one more day - and because Aaron lived at the pub there was really no viable reason he could come up with not to go, no reason that wouldn't cause Adam to ask potentially dangerous and leading questions.

So they went.

The pub was bustling when they walked in. Not a table was free and there was barely enough room at the bar for the two of them to stand. Chas and Diane were both busy behind the bar, pulling pints, pouring wine, handing out bottles, and settling up checks. Marlon was helping out too, stopping on his way to and from the kitchen delivering food to provide whatever assistance was needed at the moment.

Aaron felt like all eyes were on him - though there was no reason for anyone other than his mum to pay him any mind, and she was too busy to do much more than glance at him occasionally. He was just grateful Paddy hadn't turned up because he was pretty sure he couldn't handle the two of them together, watching him for any little reaction, any little sign that he was struggling. What Aaron really hoped was that Vic would have the sense of mind not to bring  _him_  to the pub at all.

Attempting to engage Adam in conversation about football as a means of distracting himself from the obvious, Aaron quickly gave up when he got nothing but noncommittal grunting in response. So Aaron left Adam to his phone while wondering to himself why Adam had even asked him to come. He could have just as easily stood alone in silence then stand next to Aaron in silence. Because that’s what they did for nearly ten minutes - they stood side-by-side with not a word spoken between them, each nursing a pint while Adam had his nose in his phone and Aaron watched the groups of people around the pub chatting and laughing, completely oblivious to the inner turmoil he was struggling to keep in check.

As the level of amber ale in their pint glasses slowly dwindled, Aaron began to grow more anxious, ready to escape to the relative safety and quiet of the backroom. As they stood, drinking, more villagers came in and no matter how many times he told himself they weren’t talking and staring at him, Aaron felt growing discomfort, certain everyone knew everything and they were whispering and judging him from behind their hands.

More importantly, Aaron also knew it could be any moment that Vic could possibly come through the door of the pub with _him_ in tow. Adam hadn’t said as much, but Aaron was beginning to suspect he was meeting them in the pub rather than in he and Vic’s house across the road.

As if on cue, Adam suddenly elbowed Aaron in the bicep.

“Oi, Vic just texted. They’re close.” 

Aaron, who had been absently observing Pete and Finn discuss something heatedly at the other end of the bar, turned to Adam with a scowl.

“So?” he grumbled, rubbing his arm in exaggeration.

“You know we’ll have to meet with him, to talk about the scrap yard,” Adam said then, either ignoring Aaron or simply not hearing him. Aaron wondered for a moment if this was what Adam had been trying to talk to him about all day; could have been, because each time Adam had started to bring up the subject of  _him_ Aaron had shot him down, or started running one of their loud pieces of equipment to drown out Adam's voice. And Adam had tried quite a few times to discuss _him._  

Aaron watched him glance one more time at his phone before he slipped it into his jacket pocket, drinking the dregs of his pint in one big gulp. “He’s still an investor. The _only_ investor, actually.”

“Yeah,” Aaron mumbled, rolling his head, his neck stiff and sore from the pent up tension in his body. Meeting with _him_ was the last thing he wanted.

“And since we’re doing alright, I’m sure Robert’ll want to stay invested,” Adam said, indicating to Diane for another, “at least from what Vic’s told me he wants to stay involved. And I don’t think we really want him to pull his money just yet. We’re doing good, but not that good.”

"Can we talk about this later?" Aaron said in a low voice, staring at his near-empty pint glass.

"Mate, I've been trying to talk to ya all day about this!"

Aaron just nodded, hearing the irritation in Adam's voice.

“I know Katie was your mum’s best mate and all-,” Adam started, his tone softer.

“I got it Adam,” Aaron snapped, “I know, okay?”

Aaron avoided Adam’s surprised stare and drained his pint, setting his empty glass down on the bar top hard enough to garner the attention of those patrons standing around them.

Ignoring their curious stares he sighed. “Soz. Just…bog,” he grumbled. Still avoiding Adam’s gaze, Aaron stepped away from the bar and headed towards the toilets.

He spent more time than was necessary in the solitude and quiet of the men’s toilet. For as crowded as the pub was, no one came in while Aaron paced the floor trying to settle his nerves. He was angry; at Adam for dragging him here but also at himself for letting Adam drag him. He was angry at Victoria for reconciling with her brother and for bringing _him_ back to the village. He was angry with his mum and Paddy for being constantly on him about what he was feeling/thinking/doing about _his_ return.

Aaron was angry with _him_ for coming back at all. In what world was six months served on a four year sentence considered justice? Aaron could only imagine the anger he felt was multiplied tenfold for Andy…

Scrubbing his face with his hands, Aaron once again rolled his shoulders and his neck trying to abate the desire to punch the wall because truthfully, more than anything else, Aaron was angry with himself; he was hardly an innocent in any of this. He’d played the key role in getting Katie to show up at Wylie’s that day – and the fact that he had remained free and clear had quickly become an unbearable burden, one he'd managed to shove down deep and bury under other stuff. But now that other stuff was being shoved to the side and the reality of Aaron's culpability was being laid bare; he could no longer avoid it and he was disappointed and angry at himself not just for letting the ruse go on, but because now that _he_ was free Aaron could only assume _he_ was going to want something in return for keeping quiet.

Staring into the tiny mirror set over the lone sink, Aaron arranged his face as best he could before turning and moving towards the door. As he reached out to pull it open, it moved inward as someone else pushed it open from the outside.

“Oh-,” the surprised exhalation of air flew from Aaron’s lips unbidden as his eyes fell upon the man himself, Mr. Robert Sugden.

Robert stood right there in front of him and for several long, agonizing seconds Aaron was unable to move or even look away, his body reacting to the sudden appearance of this man he had once declared his love for; Aaron’s heart pounded in his chest as the blood rushed from his head leaving him slightly dazed. Six months out of sight and mostly out of mind and still _he_ had this effect.

They were mere feet apart – if Aaron were to lift his hand he could grasp Robert’s arm and because of this proximity, and because of Aaron’s literal inability to look away, he witnessed an entire array of emotions cross Robert’s face – some of which seemed to mirror his own internal turmoil. Aaron saw surprise, than the start of a smile that quickly morphed into a more neutral expression that also stalled before turning into something resembling perhaps nervous fear and doubt. 

They stood like that for what felt like minutes but what was likely only seconds before Robert inched further into the toilets allowing the door to slowly and quietly drift shut behind him. His forward movement pressed Aaron back against the wall opposite the door as he fought to maintain a safe distance between them. Their eyes were locked, both men unblinking. It was likely only a few seconds before Robert’s expression morphed again, turning playful and that change in demeanor finally spurred Aaron to action.

Wordlessly, Aaron broke eye contact and attempted to move past Robert but when Robert matched his sidestep and blocked his path Aaron’s anger flared. He felt himself beginning to lose what little bit of control he’d been desperately holding onto.

“What? No hello? No-,” Robert smirked and shrugged, “no ‘welcome home, Robert’?”

Aaron clenched his jaw so tightly he felt the ligaments and discs shift and pop painfully, his teeth also aching from the compounding pressure.

“Move,” Aaron growled through clenched teeth and in a barely controlled, gravelly voice. He kept his head low, but watched Robert through the screen of his eyelashes.

It was only later, when Aaron was reflecting on the encounter, that he recalled the passing look of discomfort that flashed across Robert’s features in that moment. It was only later, when Aaron had calmed, that he remembered how Robert’s smirk had quickly faded and turned into a sorrowful sort of half-smile. It was only later, when Aaron was lying in his bed trying to suss out how he was going to handle Robert back in the village and back in his life that he saw in his mind’s eye how Robert had offered a single nod and had silently stepped to the side, gripping the door handle and opening it for Aaron to move through.

In the moment though, when he was finally free and standing outside the toilet, Aaron had had to pause to catch his breath, the adrenaline surge finally catching up to him. He lifted his hand in front of him to see it shaking lightly. Taking a series of deep breaths to calm down, Aaron felt for a moment like he would burst into tears.

Seeing Robert like that, so unexpectedly, had shaken him badly. He’d known it was inevitable, but knowing it would happen and having it happen were two completely different things.

Suddenly the door to the main pub area opened, startling Aaron.

“Oh! Aaron! What are you doing hanging ‘round outside the toilets?” Pearl chirped cheerily, patting his forearm and smiling at him so genuinely.

Aaron offered a tight-lipped smile to her in return before darting through the doors into the busy pub and straight past Adam and Vic who were talking with each other at the bar, heads pressed close together.

“Oi! Mate!” he heard Adam call after him, but he didn’t stop or even slow down; rounding the bar he shook off the hand of his mum as she reached for him; he saw concern in her expression as he breezed past her and through to the backroom.

“Aaron!” he heard her call after him, but he didn’t stop.

Straight into the back room and slamming the door on the pub noise, Aaron strode purposefully across to the kitchen and filled a glass with water, downing half of it right there in front of the sink before finally taking several deep, shaky breaths.

Standing over the sink, breathing in deeply and feeling a bit calmer, he heard the door to the pub open. Assuming his mother had come after him, he closed his eyes and threw his head back in frustration.

“Mum! I’m fine!”

“You aren’t though, are ya? What was all that about?” Vic’s clipped tone surprised Aaron.

Opening his eyes and turning his head towards the voice, Aaron was faced with Vic standing by the small kitchen table, her arms crossed in front of her, her stare icy and leveled at him. Aaron regarded her as he took a few steps back so he could lean against the countertop behind him.

“What d’you want, Vic,” Aaron sighed wearily.

“If you have a problem with Robert being here you need to talk to your mum,” Vic arched her brow, her tone stinging, “she hasn’t barred him and if she can handle Robert being here than I don’t see why you can’t.”

Aaron felt his face warm but he didn’t respond, he simply nodded once.

Then he heard _him_.

“Vic,” Robert’s voice, a bit shaky and uncertain, sounded from the near the open door that led back out to the noisy pub. Aaron couldn’t see his face, yet knowing he was _right_ _there_ made his palms sweat.

Victoria didn’t move, maintaining her locked stare with Aaron.

“Vic. Please,” Robert appeared into view then, and Aaron met his eyes as they briefly looked at each other before Robert shifted his attention back to his sister.

“C’mon,” Robert laid his hand on Vic’s shoulder, “please. Let's go back to yours. It’s been a long day.”

At Robert’s pleas, Vic’s expression softened slightly and she nodded.

“Yeah. Course,” she looked at Robert with a warm smile before shooting Aaron what he considered a warning look.

Dropping her arms, she turned and moved past Robert. Aaron watched her disappear from view before he turned his attention back to Robert. He was staring back at him, his expression sad and his eyes tired.

Aaron almost hoped Robert would say something snarky like he had in the toilets, because he needed something to sustain his slowly waning anger. But Robert said nothing. He just offered a tiny half-smile, a small nod, and left.

Aaron – emotions swirling and mixing and confusing him yet again, pushed away from the counter and slammed his water glass down, the remaining liquid sloshing wildly and wetting Aaron’s hand.

Wiping his hand on his jeans, Aaron began to pace aimlessly around the room, his head a mess of mixed signals and jumbled thoughts and conflicting emotions. He finally stopped, aggravated, and kicked as hard as he could the doorjamb of the door that led upstairs. Later that night he would make up an excuse about tripping over some scrap when his mum would ask why he was limping slightly, pretending it had nothing to do with Robert’s homecoming.

Aaron knew he wasn’t fooling her, but she didn’t press him on it either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even as of posting this, I still have a difficult time reconciling the Robert of 2015 with the in 2016; he was truly awful for much of 2015. So, this is an exercise for me to salvage a bit of Robert's character, while at the same time maintaining the beautifully heightened drama of he and Aaron's passionate and undeniably magnetic connection. Mostly I just want things to have been different AFTER Katie. Still dramatic as heck, sure...but just different (ugh I hated the lodge stuff...)
> 
> And as I mentioned at the start - this is an alternate version of events for much of 2015, focusing mostly on October through December. Everything that happens here will still lead Robert and Aaron (and those other villagers important to their story/relationship) to the same place(s) they found themselves in January 2016, thus leading them to where they are now in October 2016 (engaged! yay!). So I hope, even with knowing this, you will continue to read! Thank you!


	2. Because I Love Ya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tend to write long chapters, so updates will be a bit spaced.  
> As noted at the start, I am utilizing alternating point of view. This chapter is Robert's POV.

They made the short walk from the pub across to Keepers Cottage in silence. Trailing behind his sister and her husband, Robert could see Adam casting curious glances at Victoria, but he didn't ask any questions about what might have happened. Vic, too, remained quiet and Robert, not for the first time and what he guessed would also not be his last, regretted his decision to come back to Emmerdale. No one really wanted him here - except maybe Victoria, though he reckoned after the less than pleasant scenes at the pub she might be regretting insisting Robert some back and stay with her and Adam.

Vic led them into the cottage and Robert briefly forgot about the unpleasant scene from the pub, smiling slightly at the warmth and feel of the place. It really felt and looked like a proper lived in home – more than anyplace Robert could remember since his mum died; though perhaps some of that feeling was down to having lived in stark coldness for the last several months (and nearly anything compared to the sterile and impersonal décor of Home Farm was going to feel homey).

In the middle of the living room, Robert grabbed his sister from behind and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, hugging her. The action took him by surprise, as it apparently did her too, because she let out a small exclamation of surprise before grabbing his forearms and squeezing.

"What was that for?" She asked when she pulled away, turning her body to smile up at Robert; in that moment she looked so much like the young sister he remembered from childhood. His heart warmed and he shrugged.

"Just, thanks-," he chanced a glance at Adam, but Adam only had eyes for Victoria. "-for letting me stay."

"Robert," Vic grasped his hand in hers, "you're my brother and I love ya."

Robert smiled and nodded. He believed her, but a part of him also felt undeserving and unworthy of her and her love; Diane, too. There was so much they still didn't know about what had happened - and the fear of them abandoning him were they ever to find out any of those things was still very, very real.

"So, tea," Vic released Robert's hand and moved into the kitchen, peeking out through the pass through window at them. "I sorta left everything in the pub kitchen."

Robert avoided her pointed gaze and instead moved to sit on the worn sofa. He could see she desperately wanted to ask what had kicked off between he and Aaron, but she didn't and for that Robert was grateful. Perhaps it was just because of Adam, or maybe she sensed Robert didn't want to talk about it. In any case he was glad she wasn't pressing him.

"It's fine," he said, as casually as he could manage, staring at the small table in front of the sofa upon which sat a stack of magazines, cars and baking. _If that didn’t sum up the differences between Adam and Victoria then nothing would_ , Robert thought with a small smile.

"Why'd you keep it at the pub?" Adam asked then and Robert looked over to the doorway that led to the kitchen. Vic was standing next to Adam and grinning cheekily at him.

"So you wouldn't eat it all before I got Rob home," she poked his side and laughed softly.

"Funny," Adam smirked, "I'll go back," he leant down to kiss Vic's cheek.

Robert watched them, feeling a tiny twinge of jealousy at their easy affection, but more so he was glad his sister was happy. He'd nearly lost his head when Diane had shown up to visit him a few months back and told him that Vic had run off and married Adam...but seeing them together now he wondered how he ever thought Adam wasn't right or good for her. Adam had had his problems but really Robert was the last person who should be passing judgment. Adam had done his time, like Robert, and deserved a chance to prove himself as he was now, not as he might have been before. Robert only hoped there were people in the village willing to give him that same consideration.

Robert had spent much of the car ride considering how his return might be received by people in the village. He’d managed to distract himself from those thoughts the last few weeks before his release – happy to simply live in Victoria’s fantasy of all being well and fine. But as her car had gotten closer to Emmerdale, Robert had begun to feel panicked. He’d been responsible, however accidentally, for the death of a beloved villager with deep and powerful ties with so many people, not the least of which was his very own family. In comparison, Robert had two deep and lasting ties – Victoria and Diane – and really only because of the bonds of ‘family’ were they even sticking by him.

When they’d finally pulled into the village and Vic had said she needed to go into the pub, Robert was on the verge of full-blown panic attack. Yet for some reason he’d followed her into the Woolpack; perhaps he’d been hoping to see Aaron, because as soon as they’d walked in and he’d seen Adam alone at the busy bar he’d felt disappointment. And though Diane had taken a small break from behind the bar to come round and hug him, he felt everyone else’s eyes on him, those who knew what he’d done anyway. And Chas…she was glaring daggers. After a few minutes with Diane, where she promised they’d have a proper family dinner later in the week, Robert escaped to the quiet of the toilets. At least he’d tried to escape to the toilets.

That’s where he’d unexpectedly run right into Aaron.

Of course Robert hadn’t been able help himself; despite his head telling him to stop – his mouth simply ran away and though he immediately regretted his words and his actions, he’d let Aaron by without attempting a lame excuse or apology. Instead he allowed himself a moment to regroup, before he went back out to the pub – just in time to see Aaron storm round the bar and into the back, and then he’d seen Vic – her mouth set in an angry line – take off after him. Robert’s eyes met Chas’s glare then, and Robert sighed inwardly. Things were not going to be easy, or pleasant – not for a while….and maybe not ever.

Robert had eased himself through the crowd and round the edge of the bar, hovering until Chas finally nodded once at him, her expression making it clear she wanted him to get lost. Going into the back room he’d managed to talk Vic off Aaron, at the same time wishing he could make her understand (without confessing the rest of the truth) that Aaron had every right to be angry at him. But he couldn’t make her see without risking a lot more in the process, and that was just another slight to add to the list – Robert had managed to become a thorn in the side of their long friendship. He’d thought as he’d followed Vic out that maybe he should just do everyone a favor and leave.

The sound of the door shutting snapped Robert back to the present, looking up he saw his sister watching him with a concerned expression on her face.

"I might go clean up, if you don't mind," he stood slowly, suddenly aware of the residue of prison dirt and grime on his skin and on his clothes and also hopeful the hot water might wash away the stinging ache of his encounter with Aaron.

"Yeah, go on," Victoria smiled, a bit sadly it seemed to Robert, "Your stuff's all in the spare room. It's still in boxes and bags so I hope you can find what you need."

"I'm sure," Robert nodded.

He'd managed for most of the day to suppress the anxiety of being back in the real world - but suddenly everything was beginning to feel like it was falling in on him and he needed to get away from the distractions of people; he needed to decompress.

"Take your time," Vic added softly, "I'll call ya down when everything’s ready."

* * *

The smells were what eventually drew Robert from the relative safety and solitude of the spare room…his room. Victoria hadn't called up to him, but when the smells had hit his mouth had started watering and his stomach had started growling. He hadn’t realized how famished he was, and on top of that how much he had missed Victoria's cooking.

Pulling open his door he padded in stocking feet down the short hall to the top of the stairs. As he started to descend he paused when he heard Adam and Vic talking in low, hushed voices.

"Did he say why he was so angry?" Robert heard Vic ask.

"Nah, he just growled at me to go away. It’s been ages since I've seen him so upset," Adam replied.

"Is it to do with Robert?"

Standing still near the top of the stairs, Robert felt his heart skip a beat and his mouth go dry.

"Dunno? Maybe? I dunno why, though," Adam sighed and Robert heard the sound of plates being set out. "He wouldn't say anything, he just kept telling me to do one. He does my head in sometimes."

"If he'd tell me what was up, maybe I could help," Adam said after a pause.

"Just let him know you're there if he needs to talk," Victoria, her voice closer than before, replied.

Slowly and quietly Robert crept back up the top few steps and around the corner - out of sight to anyone who might appear below.

"Maybe he'll confide in you yet."

"I s'pose," Adam grumbled, barely audible now.

Robert hovered at the top of the stairs and out of sight, ready to dash back to the spare room if Victoria started to come up - but she didn't, she simply called out to him to come down. Pausing for a long moment, Robert collected himself, arranging his face as neutrally as he could, and headed down.

* * *

_"Because I love ya,"_

Robert moaned softly, rolling onto his side and pulling at the blankets; he was faintly aware he was dreaming, and that was only because this was a familiar dream; he’d had some variation or other almost nightly while he was in prison.

_"Because I love ya,"_

The words floated around him, large and white and blocky, like animated word bubbles from a cartoon. Aaron's face, teary-eyed and desperate, looked back at him and in the dream Robert sneered at him.

In his bed, Robert fought; fought the inevitable even though he knew what was going to happen because it always happened. He was powerless.

_"Because I lova ya,"_

Aaron's voice, now distant and pleading, said the words once more before he disappeared completely, fading away into a muddled fog that swirled and drifted before also fading. Robert choked out a small cry as he reached out and grabbed at the space Aaron had just been, only to find nothing there. That was when the dream landscape shifted and he found his outstretched hand now gripping Katie, fighting her and pushing her and calling her vile names and then without warning she was falling through a gaping hole in the floor. Her screams piercing the veil and breaking invisible glass panes all around him. He stared at her in horror as she hit some invisible barrier and then he started falling, too, down towards Katie’s broken and dead body lying twisted and wrong and surrounded by shards of glass and splintered wood… that was when he jolted awake in bed, blankets tangled around his lanky limbs, arms outstretched as if to break his fall.

He panted breathlessly as he worked to shake off the dream; the sense of loss and despair clinging to him like the beads of sweat that dotted his brow. He could recover within minutes now, not like the hours it used to take him his first months in prison.

When he’d calmed his racing heart and finally felt a tiny bit clear-headed, he kicked off the blankets and climbed out of bed. The bedsheets were damp with sweat, as were his pyjamas. Stripping down, Robert grabbed another set from the still unpacked bag where he'd found the ones he'd been wearing. Slipping them on, he stealthily padded downstairs.

It was nearly 4 o’clock in the morning and the house was eerily quiet. The stilled silence troubled Robert in a way he hadn’t expected; he’d grown accustomed to the constant noise of prison, day and night, and now he found the quiet of the village as distracting as he had initially found the constant noise of prison.

Downstairs he filled the kettle with some water and searched for the tea bags. Dinner had been delicious, as was expected when Vic cooked - and thankfully neither she nor Adam asked him any questions about prison, or what had happened at the pub, they simply filled him on the latest village gossip - which Robert only half-listened to anyway. The only person he was actually interested in hearing about was the only person they avoided mentioning.

_"Because I love ya,"_

Staring at the kettle and willing it to heat faster, he heard the words like a whisper on the wind, blowing gently past, almost caressing him, and causing the hair on his arms to stand on end.

Oh how those four words had haunted him the last seven months. Oh how things might have been different had he been honest with Aaron then, in that moment, about his feelings. If he’d said the words, if he'd acknowledged the feelings, if he’d not been so intent on pretending, on maintaining his sham of a life with Chrissie... If he’d actually been truthful to himself in that moment at Wylie's then not only would Katie still be alive, but perhaps Robert would actually be happy.

Happy with Aaron.

Aaron.

Seeing him like that, unprepared, was not how Robert had hoped it would go. He had hoped to have more control over that first encounter, or at least he’d hoped to be able to manage it somehow. He wanted desperately to just _talk_ to Aaron, but after their encounter in the toilet Robert wasn't sure how they'd ever be able to have a real conversation. Aaron was so angry – not that Robert blamed him, but it still hurt. It would seem that maybe they’d spent their various months in vastly different ways; Aaron only seemed angrier then he'd been before, while Robert wanted nothing more than to make sure Aaron was okay.

But really it hurt him because Aaron was one of the two reasons he'd even come back to the village; the first was Victoria, and the second, Aaron. It had been easy, in prison, to appease Vic and tell her yes, he'd come back when he got out...but when the day had come and as they'd gotten closer and closer to the village suddenly Robert hadn't been so sure it had been the right decision. The only thing holding him together was the thought that he could maybe finally clear the air with Aaron.

He'd had a lot of time to think in prison; about how he'd behaved, and what he'd done to Aaron, and to Chrissie. And Katie, of course. He wanted to be different this time, to change, and he felt like he had in many ways that really mattered – but he also worried that being back in the village would be too comfortable, too familiar, and that he’d fall back into previous and familiar bad habits.

Pouring milk into his tea, Robert moved to the sofa and sat, holding the steaming mug in his hands, relishing the warmth and reveling in the fact he could freely do such a simple task once again. He’d lost count with how many times he’d woken in the middle of the night in prison, wishing he could just go for a walk, or make a brew, or turn on a light and read a book…

Soft footfalls down the stairs caught his ear and when he glanced over he saw Vic emerge, her hair a bit wild and messy, her eyes half-closed.

"What you doing up?" she asked in a tiny voice thick with sleep as she flopped onto the sofa next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder and yawning loudly.

"Couldn't sleep," he answered vaguely.

"You alright?" Vic asked, her voice slightly less drowsy as her concern shone through.

Robert didn't answer. It was a difficult question because in many ways he was better than he'd been in months, the least of which being he was finally free from prison. Being released was all he’d wanted, but it felt different than he’d imagined it would. Not in a bad way…but not good either. He was so glad to be out and to have his freedom back; but the months he spent in that place had had an effect on him that he was just beginning to recognize. He’d been changed because of that experience, and he thought it might take some time to really discover all the ways in which he was different.

"Rob?" Vic's head lifted from his shoulder and he felt her eyes on him.

He kept his gaze focused on the far wall, at the series of framed photos cast in shadowy darkness, obscuring the photo’s subjects into faceless shapes. He thought, briefly and with sadness and regret, that at least one of those photos was probably of Andy and Katie.

"Robert?"

He felt Vic thread her arm through his, her hands gripping him as she hugged his arm, resting her head once more on his shoulder.

"I missed ya," she added, and Robert smiled into the darkness.

"You visited me every week," he said quietly, “sometimes more than once.”

"It's not the same as having you here though, is it," she answered and once again Robert was reminded of the younger sister of his childhood. Victoria might be of age and happily married, but in that moment she sounded so young.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she prodded and Robert exhaled slowly. He did....but not with her, at least not yet and maybe not ever. There were some things he wanted to shield her from, including some of the darkness he’d experienced while in that place…

"It must have been hard, being in there."

It was something they’d never discussed – not even in all those visits from her.

"It wasn't fun," Robert said, his tone light – not quite ready to voice how among all the things he was adjusting to by being back in the real world, that above all else the quiet was still too quiet.

"Don't joke," Vic replied, her voice soft.

Robert didn't say anything more; they simply sat together in the silent, dark room, the only sounds coming from the small kitchen. It was comforting, sitting there together. Robert had forgotten how nice it felt to be shown any affection, to have contact with another person that wasn’t angry and antagonistic.  Resting his head on top Victoria’s, it wasn't long before he heard her breathing deepen and even out as she fell back asleep. Robert's eyes too began to feel heavy, and even as he struggled to stay awake he could also feel himself drifting off. Breathing deeply, he was almost asleep when he heard it again, only it was loud and angry in his head this time, too similar to the actual memory Robert had worked to suppress...

_"Because I love ya!"_

Jerking awake he scarcely registered the now cold tea that spilled from the mug he was still gripping in both hands, wetting his lap. He was, however, fully aware of Victoria beside him, sitting bolt upright and looking at him with a surprised, wide-eyed look on her face.

"What was that?" she asked, taking the mug from his hands and setting it on the coffee table, on top of the stack of car and baking magazines; more than half its cold contents soaking through the thin cotton of Robert’s pajama bottoms.

Robert shook his head, trying to clear away the echoes of Aaron's voice.

"You should go back to bed," he said, jamming the heels of his hands into his eyes in an attempt to clear his head. 

"Robert-," Victoria's tone was concerned, worried.

"It was just a bad memory. Or dream, really," he turned to her, putting on his best face and hoping it was enough to deter her.

"About prison?" Vic asked, her expression betraying her horror.

Robert shrugged noncommittally.

"Do you wanna talk ‘bout it?"

"No," Robert smiled, genuinely this time, "but I love ya for asking."

He meant it, but even as he said the words he felt his smile falter, and though he tried to recover it was too late. He could see Vic had seen it.

“Maybe you can talk to Adam? He’s been there you know, and -,” she stopped herself when Robert held up a hand.

"I'm okay, Vic. I swear. I promise I'll ask for help if I need it," he had recovered his composure, and though she looked unconvinced, she nodded.

"I'm holding you to that," she said pointedly, standing then. "I'm going back to bed. Clean up that tea will ya?"

Robert looked down at his tea stained lap and nodded.

* * *

Robert managed to stay awake until the sun rose, and it wasn’t long after that when he heard Adam and Victoria moving around upstairs. Moving into the kitchen, he started on some breakfast. Adam was the first down, clapping Robert on the back and grabbing half the toast from the plate next to the stove.

"Thanks mate," he grinned and Robert nodded.

"Come by the scrapyard later to talk about the business?" Adam asked and Robert's stomach did a nervous somersault.

"Uh, yeah, sure," he nodded.

Adam grinned again, "Dinner break? Bring us some sarnies?"

Robert stared at Adam for a beat before he nodded.

"Aces mate. I'm sure Vic'll do you up some cheese and pickle," Adam moved towards the door, "I gotta pickup some scrap in Leeds so I'll see ya in a bit."

Adam was only just out the door when Vic came down, dressed casually in jeans and a pink hoodie.

"Did ya sleep any?"

"Not really," Robert shrugged, pouring milk into her tea.

“I thought we could spend the day together,” she smiled as she took the proffered mug from him, “I can help ya unpack and settle in?”

Robert nodded slowly, placing some more bread into the toaster, “I dunno. I was thinking I might not stay,” he finally said.

“What? What’d’you mean?” Vic set her mug down hard and a tiny bit of tea sloshed over the side onto the countertop. Robert stared at the milky pools, feeling Vic’s eyes boring into him.

“It’d be better for everyone if I didn’t stay. Too many bad memories,” Robert said, knowing they were both certainly thinking of Andy; but Robert was also thinking of Aaron.

The fact was Robert didn’t know what to expect whenever he did finally cross paths with Andy; he hadn’t seen his brother since March. Vic had briefly mentioned he’d gone away for a few days – but where to, and when he’d be back were unknown. The possible confrontation added to Robert’s slightly elevated anxiety levels.

“Robert -,” Vic said his name with a sorrowful sigh and it was in that moment Robert changed his mind.

“Or not. It was just a thought,” Robert said then, offering a small smile to his sister. Her expression perked and Robert immediately felt better.

In fact, Robert felt downright emboldened by some unknown force; he didn’t want to cause his brother (or Aaron) more pain, but he also realized shouldn’t have to give up his remaining family to atone for a crime he’d already served time for. And more importantly, if he intended to earn back any of Aaron’s trust, or even build a friendship (or more?) with him, that certainly wouldn’t happen if he left. And Robert didn’t intend to stop trying to keep Aaron in his life.

* * *

Several hours later, after he and Vic had spent the morning unpacking the boxes and bags of stuff that had been sent over by Chrissie after he’d been sent down, Robert found himself standing hesitantly at the gated entrance of the scrapyard.

He could see the truck wasn't there and he was wondering if anyone was around when the door to the portacabin opened and Aaron appeared in dark jeans, a black hoodie, and bright orange vest; Robert smiled in spite of himself – some things never changed, like Aaron’s style of work clothes.

Robert watched as Aaron descended the two metal steps while simultaneously pulling on a pair of large, maroon-colored gloves. Walking towards a pile of unrecognizable metal, he starting chucking pieces into various other piles - the rhyme and reason lost on Robert.

Taking a few deep breaths, Robert steeled himself for another possible fight as she slowly walked the short distance to the portacabin and where Aaron was working. The gravel crunched under his leather shoes and though it seemed loud as an alarm bell to Robert’s ears, it wasn't until Robert was nearly upon him that Aaron even noticed his presence.

Aaron was bent over, hands gripping a large white boxy thing that looked like it might have once been a toaster when he turned his head and looked at Robert. He paused, eyes narrowing and jaw clenching, causing Robert to stop as well. His stomach was a jumble of nervous energy and if he eaten any breakfast that morning he might have thrown it all up in that moment.

“What do you want,” Aaron grumbled, dropping the white toaster thingy back to the pile it came from and straightening.

"Adam asked me to stop by; to talk about the business. I brought lunch," Robert said then, as neutrally as possible, the bag of cheese and pickle sandwiches suddenly feeling very heavy in his hand as he raised it in proof. He watched Aaron’s narrowed eyes glance at the bag before returning to Robert’s face.

"He's not back," Aaron said. His tone was minimally cordial, but that was at least an improvement on the barely suppressed hatred from the night before.

"I'll wait," Robert answered, awkwardly.

Aaron didn't respond as Robert moved towards the portacabin; he placed the food on the floor just inside the open door before sitting on the threshold. He could feel Aaron’s eyes on him, so he pulled out his phone. There was a heavy, tense silence between them, and Robert tried his best to ignore it as he checked a few of his favorite news sites. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Aaron shake his head slightly before turning to the pile of scrap and resuming his sorting.

At first the incessant sound of banging, clanging metal as Aaron threw things around was simply an annoyance; but rather quickly it became a reminder of the last six months of Robert's life; the sounds too similar, too familiar to the memories of his time in prison. Banging metal of broken ovens and trashed cars became the heavy slamming shut of barred doors; the shifting and scraping boots on the gravel became constant echoing footsteps that paced the corridor day and night; the DJ’s voice on the radio playing low from inside the portacabin becoming the relentless, echoing voices of fellow inmates and their incessant chatter…

Growing increasingly uncomfortable with the flashes of memory being exposed, Robert was mere moments from bolting from the site when Adam pulled in, the truck loaded up with a crushed car and other various and sundry broken and tarnished items Robert couldn't really identify by sight.

"Sorry I’m late, lads. Traffic," Adam called out as he hopped down from the truck.

Robert stood from his perch, shoving the resurfacing memories of prison back down into the deep well of avoidance he kept them in, at the same time putting on a false smile and shaking his head as if it was no big deal. Aaron, Robert noticed in his periphery, was openly scowling.

"I'm starved," Adam clapped Robert on the back, "Vic send over lunch?"

Adam jumped up the stairs and Robert followed Aaron with his eyes as he moved past him and into the shadowed darkness of the portacabin. Aaron didn't look at him as he brushed past. Sighing, Robert followed behind Aaron.

The meeting was short and sweet and Adam did most of the talking, Aaron just grunted and nodded when asked for his opinion. In the end they decided that Robert would remain as an investor, not only because the yard couldn’t afford to buy him out (“Yet”, Aaron had groused under his breath for Robert to hear), and also because Robert needed some income as well. They all agreed that the previous arrangement and contract they’d had would remain intact, and as Adam congratulated them all on a successful agreement of terms, Aaron stood and exited the cabin without a word.

Robert, keeping as impassive an expression as possible, simply shrugged when Adam looked at him questioningly.

* * *

"What're you doing?"

Robert jumped, Vic's curiously amused voice sounding out from behind him. He turned to her and shrugged.

"Looking for Aaron's number," he said, handing her phone over to her, "I forgot to get it from him earlier. For scrapyard business."

Vic smirked and arched a brow, nodding, "yeah okay."

Robert felt his face warm and he hoped his sister didn't notice. It wasn't like he actually lied...

He watched her navigate her phone, type something, then his phone, held in his other hand, buzzed, and when he looked he saw a text from her with Aaron’s number.

"Just ask next time," she pocketed her phone, "you don't want to accidentally see something you might regret."

Robert scrunched up his face in distaste, and Victoria laughed.

"Thanks," Robert said, shaking his phone.

"Everything okay with you two?" Vic asked and Robert felt a moment of panic before he remembered Victoria had no clue about the affair or Aaron's involvement in Katie's accident; her inquiry purely out of concern.

"Yeah, why wouldn’t it be? Like I said, it’s for business," Robert repeated.

"He was pretty upset yesterday," Vic said slowly and Robert could hear in her tone she was fishing for more about what might have happened.

"He was just looking out for Chas," Robert replied. It wasn't really a lie, but it was certainly not the whole truth either.

"Well I'm covering for Marlon tonight so if you want, come by for dinner. My treat," Vic nodded.

* * *

 

A few hours later Robert did find himself at the pub, sitting alone at a table against the back wall. He’d been assured by Vic that Chas was not working that evening, which was the only reason Robert even hazarded showing up again.

Thankfully, it was a slow, quiet night, unlike the previous evening when the place had been packed and every eye had turned to gawk and stare when he'd followed Vic through the door.

Robert had been prepared to turn around and flee if the place was packed again, but when he opened the door he saw Diane was alone behind the bar and the only other people in the place were David and Eric, and an older couple Robert didn't recognize.

Diane and Eric were chatting intensely about something, while David looked on visibly uncomfortable. Robert wondered what was going on, but he wasn't curious enough to approach or move closer to eavesdrop. Instead he slowly sipped the pint that had been delivered with a smile from Diane, and checked his watch every few minutes while surreptitiously watching the doorway that led to the backroom for any signs of movement.

He was waiting for Aaron; they'd arranged a public meet (via a very short and blunt series of text messages), to try and clear the air. Robert wondered if Aaron had suggested meeting at the pub because Chas was not working; for that matter, Robert wondered if Aaron knew Chas had visited him a few weeks before he'd been released.

It had been short. She and Paddy were the only people who knew of the affair, and so her visit consisted mostly of her warning Robert off Aaron, and telling him if he didn’t cause problems for Aaron, she'd do her best to look the other way when he was around. Avoidance was the only way to maintain the peace if he came back to the village, she'd said; avoidance of Aaron and avoidance of her, too.

Robert hadn't argued with her, nor did he try to defend himself against her requests. He knew no matter how much he insisted that it had been an accident – which it had been – it would only incense her further. No; instead Robert appeased her while also making the decision that he would try and reconcile with Aaron, as much as Aaron would let him. Robert had figured out rather quickly that not having Aaron in his life was not an option.

At the very least, if Robert was going to stay invested in the scrapyard (and he was, he needed some income and it was an excuse to interact with Aaron), he and Aaron had to come to some sort of agreement about their working relationship, and that was something they simply had to work out together, no third parties around. The simple fact was Robert desperately missed having Aaron in his life and he was feeling rather desperate to make a connection (any connection!) with him again.

The sound of the pub door opening caught Robert's attention, and he sighed inwardly as saw Paddy and Rhona walk in.

Paddy, when his eyes caught site of Robert sat against the wall, frowned. Robert saw Rhona touch his arm before following his eyes and glancing his way. She offered a tight-lipped smile at Robert before nudging Paddy to a table the furthest distance possible from Robert. Shrugging his eyebrows, Robert wondered fleetingly if Paddy had told Rhona about he and Aaron; he was surprised to find he didn’t feel panicked about the possibility. Unlike how he had felt the day Katie died, the thought of Rhona knowing didn't fill him with fear and terror. In fact, a very small part of him hoped she knew...

At that moment a shadowy movement behind the bar caught his attention and when Robert looked over he saw Aaron, still dressed in head to toe black, stroll from the back and up beside Diane, helping himself to a pint. They exchanged subdued pleasantries while Diane's eyes flitted between where Robert sat watching them, and Aaron.  

Aaron stared at the tap while he filled his glass, and not until it was full did he look up and meet Robert's gaze. He stared for a long moment before moving around the bar and towards where Robert sat, his own pint still nearly full. Robert was aware of Diane, Paddy, Rhona, and even Eric and David all watching as Aaron approached and sat down.

His expression indicated to Robert that he was well aware of the attention on them, but he maintained eye contact with Robert.

"So. What do you want," Aaron said under his breath, the ambient noise in the pub having fallen considerably as all attention seemed to be on Robert and Aaron. Even the older couple Robert didn’t recognize had quieted, no doubt observing the change in the other customers and wondering what was going on.

Robert tried to ignore the stares as he sat up a little taller in the booth, resting his forearms on the table and gripping his pint glass with both hands. Aaron sat slouched in his chair, one arm on the table gripping his pint glass while the other rested in his lap.

"I'd like us to get on," Robert cleared his throat, "try and move past stuff."

"Stuff?" Aaron arched his brow, shaking his head.

"You know what I mean," Robert said quietly.

Aaron huffed a laugh that had no humor in it, and Robert felt his face warm. Everyone had stopped staring, but Robert could still see Paddy scowling at them.

This was not going as he'd hoped. Though he wasn’t sure exactly what he had expected. Aaron had been a mess after Katie, and Robert had tried to help him. He didn’t know what had happened after he’d been sent down but from the look of things Aaron was doing no better now than before. That concerned Robert. Leaning forward, Robert stared at Aaron trying to see any signs of self-harm because no matter how much Aaron might argue it, Robert had a pretty good idea about how Aaron might be handling (or not handling) things at the moment.

Suddenly a new voice cut through the low-level tension in the pub.

"Oh no; no way!”

Robert and Aaron swiveled in tandem towards the entrance to see Chas, Lisa, Belle, and Sam standing together in a group just inside the front door. Robert could see Paddy had stood from the table in the far corner and was looking between he and Aaron, and the group of Dingles, with a pained look on his face.

"Chas," Diane's voice sounded and Robert's eyes flickered over to his stepmom. She was looking between Robert and Chas and had moved to the end of the bar.

"I said I'd tolerate you in here, for Vic and Diane's sakes, if you stayed away from Aaron," Chas moved further into the room, the other Dingles slowly trailing behind her like a small gang.

"Mum-," Aaron sat up and turned in his chair to face her.

"No, love," Chas held her hand up.

"He killed Katie," Chas said then, her voice low and angry and Robert felt the blood rush from his head to his feet, his heart rate quickening.

Everyone in the pub was staring at him with wide-eyed expressions; everyone except Chas, she was seething with anger and it was radiating off her, palpably.

"It was an accident," Diane said quietly. She'd moved out from behind the bar and had approached the group, standing approximately midway between the cluster of Dingles still near the door, and Robert still sat at a table. Her expression read something between pained and angry.

“He did his time,” she added gently and Robert felt a wave of gratitude that at least she was trying to stick up for him – whether he deserved it or not.

“Yeah well not nearly enough time. Accident or no,” Chas said angrily, her gaze still locked on Robert.

This was what Robert might have expected from Chas – he knew she’d never be okay with him seeing Aaron, or talking to Aaron, or even looking at Aaron. She’d made that perfectly clear to him. Aaron was his own person, though, and Robert felt fairly confident he knew him well enough to know he wouldn’t appreciate his mother undermining him like that; trying to tell Robert, or anyone, that they could or couldn’t see him.

Feeling a sudden flash of anger spark in him, Robert stood quickly, bumping the table with his thighs and causing beer to slosh out of his and Aaron’s glasses and spill across the veneered surface.

It was at that moment Vic emerged from the kitchen. Robert watched as she, seemingly oblivious to the scene playing out, came to a sudden standstill upon seeing all the various parties standing around looking at Robert. She looked around the room at them all before her eyes fell on Robert.

Robert’s sudden anger faded as quickly as it had risen and he offered a very slight shrug to his sister before his eyes traveled the room, taking in the various people stood before him; Diane, clearly upset and clearly wanting to diffuse the situation; Chas, her chest heaving with anger, her mouth set in a thin line as she glared daggers at Robert; Lisa, who held a teary-eyed Belle in her arms while they both looked between Robert and Chas and Diane; Paddy, whose expression matched Chas’s; Aaron, still seated across from him and staring at his hands with an expression on his face that made Robert very nervous; and then there was Sam...

Sam Dingle. He had been the one that had showed up at Wylie's that day to find Robert standing over Katie’s body. Sam Dingle, who despite Robert's repeated protestations, had called for the police and paramedics, insistent that if it had been an accident then there was no reason not to call the authorities.

Sam Dingle, who Robert knew meant no harm and only wanted to do right, was just stood there watching it all with interest.

Ignoring the spilled beer, Robert opened his mouth with the intention of clearing the air once and for all when another familiar voice, dripping with sarcasm and anger, sounded from by the door; behind the gathered group of Dingles.

"Careful, he might accidentally kill you next."

Everyone turned to face the newcomer, the Dingles moving further into the pub and parting so there was a clear line of sight from Robert to Andy. Any little bit of lingering anger and wrath Robert felt shriveled to nothing, his gut twisting painfully at the site of Andy stood at the door, duffel in hand and eyes narrowed at the scene.

"Andy, pet," Diane cooed, casting a nervous glance at Robert before moving towards him and hugging him, though he wasn't as endeared to the gesture as one would expect; he kept his eyes on Robert the whole time.

The tension in the room elevated significantly, and Robert saw Eric and David exchange a look before gathering their jackets and quietly leaving the pub ( _probably running off to tell Val_ , Robert thought cynically). Only a short moment later the older couple followed suit and left, and it wasn't but a minute later that Robert saw Rhona pull Paddy out as well.

"Did you just get back?" Diane asked, taking the bag from Andy and leading him to the bar; he continued to stare at Robert with unabashed anger.

"Yeah," he said flatly, leaning on his elbows with his back against the bar, gaze leveled at Robert.

Robert, still standing, felt a cold, patch of wetness mid-thigh. Breaking eye contact with Andy and looking down he saw the spilled beer had pooled at the edge of the table where he stood and was soaking into his trousers, as well as dribbling onto the floor. 

"What're you doing talking with the murderer?" Andy asked then, and Robert's eyes moved from the stain of beer on his trousers, to his brother, then to Aaron, who was still sat silent opposite Robert.

"Just business," Aaron replied, shrugging as if he could not care less; but Robert could see he did care.

Robert could see through the act. Aaron's fingers were twisted up in the hem of his hoodie and he kept gnawing at his lower lip. Aaron was upset and perversely, Robert felt a sense of pride to be the only one who really knew why, even as he felt another wave of worry pass over him at the same time.

"You can talk business another time, yeah?" Chas moved forward then and tugged at Aaron's arm.

Aaron stood seemingly reluctantly, but shook Chas’s hand off with an unintelligible grumble. Robert watched him follow her wordlessly through to the backroom, but felt slightly validated (and a bit hopeful as well) when he turned to look back at Robert just before disappearing into the shadows.

"I think you should go, Robert," Andy said then, and to Robert's despair no one, not Diane, not even Vic, stood up for him.

Not that he expected any of the Dingles to be on his side - they had all been close to Katie, especially Belle - but for Diane to stand there silently and let Andy kick him out of the pub? Robert felt anger, and disappointment, and hurt, and the deep-seeded feelings of inadequacy he’d felt his whole life well up inside him even as his vision blurred slightly from unshed tears.

He looked between Diane and Vic, the former avoiding his look and the latter visibly upset. He supposed that was something, though a very, very small part of him felt some regret that Vic might always find herself stuck between Robert and Andy in this way; even as Robert couldn’t help but feel they were still choosing Andy over him, just by virtue of their silence.

He moved worldessly towards the door, feeling all eyes on him, and didn't pause or acknowledge when he heard Victoria finally call out after him.

The pub door closed behind him, definitively shutting out the deafening silence that had followed Vic’s voice as she’d called his name.

No one came out after him.

He stood outside, alone, the cold evening pulling at his heated flesh and chilling him, sending shivers through his overheated body; the air heavy with the threat of snow. That was when the first memory hit him – rushing with Aaron to the quarry after finding Andy’s suicide notes. It had been cold that night, too.

Seeing Andy again was bringing it all back. Not that any of it was ever very far away – but Andy’s unrestrained anger made every part of what had happened feel as if it had happened just days ago, not months. Robert had been prepared for the anger. He’d expected the bitter words, and the resentment. He’d expected the glares.

He hadn’t expected these memories to come rushing in, flooding his mind and confusing him.

At the quarry, Andy had been reluctant to accept Robert’s help. Even though the police hadn’t charged him yet, Andy still blamed Robert for the accident. So Robert used that anger to save Andy’s life. He figured if his brother focused his energy on Robert, he’d have none left to take his own life.

It had worked and Robert had managed to talk Andy back from the edge, quite literally, that night. But that had been the one and only time Andy had allowed Robert to help him.

Later, when the police had finally come, and the charges were filed, and the blame officially laid at Robert’s feet, he had found himself truly alone. Everyone had abandoned him. Vic hadn't even come to see him in prison for almost a month after he was sent down. He'd been desperately alone, and lonely – but he also had felt it was deserved.

He felt that way at times now, too. Victoria and Diane might have forgiven him, but it was evident after what had just occurred that they still would choose Andy over him every time. Robert closed his eyes and breathed deeply, willing his own deep-seeded anger to abate; willing the inadequacies he felt as a brother, and a Sugden, to settle. If his family didn't have time for him, then he didn't have time for them, either. What Robert needed to focus on was making Aaron understand what had happened; he needed to figure out how to get Aaron to forgive him...

 

_**~~ February, 2015 ~~** _

_"He okay?" Aaron asked._

_They stood outside the back of the Woolie, having just brought Andy back from the brink - quite literally. He was now inside with Diane and Vic, being consoled._

_"As okay as he can be, I reckon," Robert sighed, jamming his hands into his trouser pockets and leaning his hip against the low stone wall._

_He'd been terrified for Andy - certain he was going to drive them both over the edge - and he'd spent all his energy making sure that hadn’t happened...but that didn't mean he hadn’t noticed how Aaron had stood a little too close to the edge, staring a little too long into the black abyss._

_"What were you doing up there, though?"_

_Aaron arched a brow._

_"You stood at the edge of that quarry...," Robert's voice trailed off as he relived the moment in his mind, “What was that?"_

_"I dunno," Aaron grumbled and Robert pulled his hands from his pockets and moved closer to him._

_"You dunno? Well, I don't believe you. You knew exactly what you were doing. But did you think what that'd do to your mum? Or Paddy?" Robert was angry, and his voice was rising with each word._

_"Did you think what that’d do to me?" Robert added nearly shouting now but completely indifferent to anyone overhearing him. The panic he'd ignored from earlier in the evening was now rising swift and fierce within him, his heart rate elevating fast as he imagined Aaron stepping out over the abyss and falling...falling...falling..._

_"Promise me you'll never do anything like that again," Robert said after a pause, his voice quieter as he tried to swallow all the fear and upset stirring in his chest._

_"It's all my fault, though, innit,” Aaron took a deep shuddering breath, “Katie -," his voice breaking as tears started to slip from his eyes._

_"No," Robert said emphatically, reaching out and gripping Aaron's shoulders so he could look him in the eye._

_"No it's not. It's not your fault."_

_"She'd never been there if it weren’t for me," Aaron continued, and Robert desperately wanted to shake sense into him._

_"It's not your fault," he repeated pleadingly, his eyes stinging with his own tears as he watched this man he loved...yes, loved...struggle to hold it together._

_"It was a terrible, tragic accident and you're not to blame,” Robert loosened his grip and began massaging Aaron's shoulders._

_"Aaron, please, listen to me and believe me. It was NOT your fault."_

_Aaron looked at Robert with obvious and apparent desperation, and Robert could see how much Aaron wanted to believe him, but also that he wasn't sure he could believe him._

_"It is my fault," Aaron broke then, a sob wracking his body._

_Robert's heart wrenched in his chest and he pulled Aaron to him, wrapping his arms around him and holding him tight. He felt Aaron's hands clawing and grabbing at his jacket, tugging as he gripped Robert tightly while they both cried, Aaron loudly and into Robert's chest, Robert quietly and to himself._

_"You should hate me for this," Aaron said when he finally pulled away, wiping his eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie._

_"I could never hate you," Robert replied softly, only wanting Aaron back in his arms._

_"I would hate me," Aaron sniffled, regaining some control, "I ruined your wedding day; broke up your relationship with Chrissie..."_

_Robert felt a flash of guilt. What Aaron was saying was true, but only in that it was factually correct. Because of what happened at Wylie's, there'd been no wedding and Chrissie had written Robert off completely - but Robert was not in the least bit upset about those things. In fact, he felt relief if he was completely honest._

_"I don't blame you," Robert said softly, offering a small smile when Aaron looked him in the eye._

_"But why? After all that time you spent telling me how much you loved Chrissie and wanted her," Aaron's tone turned angry._

_“How you chose her,” Aaron added, practically spitting the words at Robert._

_"I know," Robert said quietly, regretting all the hurtful things he'd ever said to Aaron, but particularly the things he'd said to him on *that day*. He knew he could be cruel, and he’d embraced that aspect of himself that day, knowingly saying those things which he knew would hurt Aaron the most; he felt complete shame for all of that now._

_"So?"_

_"So, what?"_

_"Why? Why are you here with me now? Why do you suddenly care?" Aaron had taken a few steps back and had pulled his sleeves down over his hands._

_"I don't 'suddenly care'," Robert said emphatically, but Aaron just stared back at him._

_"I've always cared," Robert added, "because...-," he took a deep breath, wondering if he had the courage to say out loud what he'd been feeling for months now. Once he put it out there he couldn’t take it back. Once it was said, he couldn’t unsay it...but he was realizing he didn’t want to hide it from Aaron anymore, and if hearing it helped Aaron to understand why Robert didn't blame him...well..._

_Aaron's brow rose expectantly._

_"Because I love you, you idiot," Robert blurted out clumsily._

_He felt immediate relief at the admission, yet he also knew at the moment he said the words that he should have said it sooner, and at the same time he also knew definitively he'd said it much too late._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case you wonder: In this diverging timeline there is no fake baby-daddy plot for Adam. Kirin was always known to be Johnny's father. Also - there's been no helicopter crash and Val is still alive...


	3. Broken

**~~~ February 2015 ~~~**

_Aaron sat in his car outside the Woolpack, stewing. He struggled to regain control as his emotions fluctuated between heartbreak, outrage, and shame. He'd bared his soul to Robert only to have his feelings cruelly thrown back in his face._

_Robert didn't love him. In fact it would seem he didn't care at all. All he cared about was the money and the power and the status being married to Chrissie would give him. And Aaron felt humiliated, and angry, and full of hate; he wished he'd never met Robert-flaming-Sugden and he wanted nothing more than for the man to simply leave the village for good..._

_Suddenly his phone rang, startling him from his internal tirade. Glancing to where it sat on the passenger seat of his car, he felt his stomach turn and his heart jump to his throat...Robert..._

Was he calling to tell Aaron he’d made a mistake? That he'd changed his mind? _Aaron thought hopefully, the anger and hatred fading rather quickly, replaced by a hope Aaron knew was dangerous to feel when it came to Robert, but he felt helpless to stop it nonetheless._

_“What,” Aaron answered the phone gruffly, trying to mask his hope with the tiny bit of residual surface anger he still felt._

_“Something’s happened,” Robert’s voice said through the line._

_“So she’s told Chrissie then,” Aaron snapped, a perverse pleasure at Robert finally getting his coursing through him._

_“You have to come back,” Robert replied, sounding oddly upset…_

_“Look I’m not lying for ya,” Aaron replied, exasperated._

_“Please I need ya. It’s really bad, please come back,” Robert repeated and in that moment Aaron heard something in Robert’s voice he’d never heard before; real, true fear. Distress._

_Without replying, Aaron put his phone down and started up his car. His anger had melted away completely and now he was also feeling scared…what could have happened to make Robert sound like that? Aaron ignored the thought that perhaps he was better off not knowing, and instead pulled away from the Woolpack and started back towards Wylie’s._

_Heart pounding in his chest, Aaron drove just over the speed limit, mindful of the blind curves and the random farm equipment on the road. His mind was racing over all the possibilities that could have prompted Robert’s call. He was so distracted by his thoughts he didn't notice until they were nearly upon him, police and ambulance flashing lights in his mirrors, the sirens blaring right behind him. Aaron quickly pulled over to let them pass. His unease growing as the small stream of emergency vehicles sped past him and disappeared over the hill._

_Taking a brief moment to calm himself, Aaron soon pulled back out onto the road feeling even more on edge because other than Wylie’s, there wasn't much else down this road and the fact the police and ambulance had sped past him had him further on edge._

_Nearing the abandoned farm, Aaron’s heart sank as he saw the lights of the emergency vehicles clustered around the main house. Slowing down as he passed, Aaron craned his neck to look into the shielded drive, trying to see what had happened. Robert must be okay, as he had called Aaron…but did that mean something had happened to Katie?_

_Aaron’s concern and uncertainty only grew when he saw Sam standing by the police car, talking to the officers and gesturing wildly with his hands._

_Cursing under his breath, Aaron turned around at the next wide spot in the road and headed back to the village, glancing repeatedly at his phone as he drove, hoping and wishing for it to ring and for it to be Robert._

_Aaron parked in front of the Woolpack, the church down the road bustling with villagers milling about and casting curious looks up the road – like they were waiting for someone…waiting for Robert._

_Aaron put aside any bit of guilt he felt for possibly ruining Chrissie’s wedding day and picked up his phone, dialing Robert repeatedly, his worry growing each time the call went straight to voicemail._

_“Where is he?” Aaron mumbled under his breath as he rang Robert’s phone one more time._

_A few minutes later there was a sudden mass exodus from the church as people started streaming out, heading back to their respective homes in clustered groups. Then Aaron saw his mum come stumbling out of the church, Diane at her side, holding her up – the twisted and pained looks on their faces made Aaron forget for a moment about Robert._

_Climbing out of his car, he jogged towards them as they walked up the street towards the pub._

_“What’s happened? What’s wrong?” Aaron wrapped his arm around his mother on the side opposite Diane._

_“There was an accident,” Diane said tearfully._

_“Katie,” Chas gasped as she leaned into him, Aaron feeling his heart shatter as he considered what those tears meant._

_Glancing back towards the church Aaron saw Lawrence holding Chrissie as Lachlan stood apart and to the side of them. All the guests seemingly gone, they were the last to remain there._

_“She’s not-,” he paused, the unspoken word ‘dead’ hanging in the air between them as he looked at Diane and she just nodded._

_“Mum,” he gripped her even more tightly as her face twisted and she cried into his shoulder, stumbling in her heels. It was all Aaron could do, with Diane’s help, to get her to the pub and settled on the sofa._

_Aaron busied himself with fixing Diane and his mum tea while they consoled each other and shortly thereafter Adam and Victoria appeared, Vic immediately embracing Diane as they cried and attempted to comfort one another._

_Aaron stood in the back of the kitchen, watching with rising levels of guilt and heartache; it was guilt like he’d never felt before, so heavy and pressing he wasn’t sure he could move were his life to depend on it. When Leyla and Vanessa showed up and embraced Chas, Aaron finally had enough and he snuck out the back. Sitting there, watching his mum and all Katie’s friends console each other was too much. He felt overwhelmed by the intense pain he was sure he had directly caused no only his mum, but so many others._

_He was still standing out in the back when Cain drove up._

_“What’re you doing out here?” Cain asked, scowling._

_Aaron shook his head._

_“Where’s Chas,” Cain asked, his voice dripping with disappointment and Aaron felt a new wave of guilt and shame for leaving his mum when she most needed love and support._

_“Inside,” he answered quietly, avoiding Cain’s judgmental stare as he walked past him._

_After a few moments, Aaron took a deep breath before turning and following him inside._

_Diane and Vic were in the process of trying to track down Andy when Aaron walked back in, Adam sidling up to him and elbowing him in the side. Aaron ignored him and his questioning look._

_“It was our Sam found her,” Cain said loudly to the room, and everyone quieted and turned to look._

_“Sam?” Chas replied, her voice unsteady._

_“Saw her riding up to Wylie’s. She dropped a glove or something,” Cain moved to sit on the coffee table opposite Chas._

_“He went after her and found her with Sugden,” Cain added._

_“What? Andy?” Vic questioned, tearfully, confused._

_Cain, not breaking eye contact with Chas, shook his head, “Robert.”_

_Aaron watched as everyone absorbed this news with varying degrees of shock and surprised murmurs, suddenly feeling like he should step forward and confess his part. Fingers picking at the leg of his jeans, Aaron was moments from speaking out and confessing what he knew when Diane spoke._

_“But what was Robert doing there? He was supposed to be getting married!”_

_She was distressed, and Doug, who must have shown up while Aaron was outside, wrapped an arm around her, “there, there, now,” he soothed._

_Chas stood from the sofa and moved towards the kitchen where she turned around and immediately met Aaron’s gaze. Her look was knowing, and angry, and for a brief moment Aaron panicked that she somehow knew about his being there too. Racking his brain to think back on the day, Aaron couldn’t recall slipping up and saying anything..._

_“If I didn’t know better, I’d think he and Katie were starting something up again,” Diane said softly to the room._

_“He said it was an accident,” Cain stood and moved to stand next to Chas, wrapping his arm around her as she wiped angrily at the tears streaming down her face._

_“Course it was an accident!” Vic exclaimed, sounding almost offended. Aaron saw out of his periphery Adam move to her._

_“We’ll know more when Sam gets back from the police station,” Cain replied._

_“Robert wouldn’t hurt her. He wouldn’t hurt anyone,” Vic said to no one in particular, “he just wouldn’t.”_

**~~~ October 2015 ~~~**

"Aaron. Aaron!" Chas's voice rose slightly with each call of his name as he rushed through to the back room and headed towards the back landing.

"Aaron! Stop!"

Hand on the knob to the door that led out the landing and to certain escape from all the questions and concerned looks, Aaron looked to his right where his mum stood.

They stared at each other in silence until finally Aaron shook his head, exasperated with her and with Robert and with himself and with all of it, wishing it all would just go away...

"What?" he snapped angrily, immediately regretting his tone as a brief look of hurt and surprise passed across his mum's face.

"What're you doing havin' a drink with him?!" she crossed her arms, recovering enough to regain her angry tone and posture.

"He's involved in the scrap yard, isn’t he," Aaron replied, struggling to maintain an even tone, "I'm gonna have to talk to him. Gonna have to deal with him."

"Is that all? Because you've been acting all out of sorts since he got back," Chas responded, her tone taking on a concerned quality, causing Aaron's anxiety to skyrocket.

"Aaron," Chas sighed softly, her eyes searching Aaron's face as she took a few steps toward him, "love-."

"Just leave it," Aaron interrupted, ignoring the pained look on her face; he knew she was only trying to protect him from Robert's toxicity, and that she was still struggling to come to terms with what had happened to Katie, but he couldn't handle her concern for him because he knew he didn't deserve it and the more she offered it the worse Aaron felt. All he wanted - all he _needed_ \- was to be in a place where he could escape the memories of those weeks and months after Katie's death; he needed a place where he could shut away all the guilt and anger and pain and shame...

Suddenly overwhelmed, Aaron turned and threw the door open, bolting out the back of the pub and welcoming the evening air, relishing the biting sting of the blustery, cold autumn wind that whipped round him.

He paused only for a moment before he took off running from the pub; he could hear his mother yelling after him but he didn't stop. Even when there was no sound in his ears but the rushing of blood and the howling of wind he didn't stop. He just ran, into the dark of the night, uncertain where he was running to, only certain what he was running away from.

Aaron ran until his lungs were burning; until he was gasping for breath; until his legs felt like lead weights. When he did finally stop, his vision wavered for a moment before he heaved the pitiful contents of his stomach onto the roadside. His feet, clad in his steel toed work boots, burned hot at the heels. He immediately knew he'd have blisters to show for this impulsive run.

Standing in the dark night alongside a road he didn’t quite recognize while he gasped for breath, Aaron knew he was starting down a familiarly dangerous path. He'd managed to pull himself back from the brink of self-destruction before – the last time being when he’d used training for a half-marathon benefitting a charity in Katie's name as the excuse for running himself ragged and into the ground. He was sure his mother had known at the time his running wasn't only so he'd be prepared for that event, but she had never said anything. She would just cluck her tongue, and occasionally join him on his shorter runs of five, six, seven miles... But after the half-marathon was over - when his legitimate reason for logging ten or more miles in a day no longer existed, it was harder for Aaron to hide the fact that he _needed_ to keep running to preserve the little bit of sanity he had been able to hold onto. It had been harder to hide the brutal pounding of his legs on the pavement of the roads around the village, or the rocky paths in the forest, but he managed it (at least for awhile), because running was the only thing that kept the ghosts of that February day at bay...

But somehow – a little bit at a time – Aaron had done it, he’d managed to move on. Though it was more to do with the real scare he’d had when he’d taken a dangerous fall in the woods outside the village, than any real healing or dealing with his emotional scars.

He’d tripped over a root and tumbled down a steep slope, knocking himself unconscious along the way (he only realized later how lucky he was he hadn't broken his neck). When he'd awoken, hours later, the sky was no longer sunny but very dark and dotted with stars that seemed unusually bright. The air had been bitterly cold and Aaron’s labored exhales betrayed the effort it took to push himself up to his feet. He’d swayed slightly with unease, feeling sure he was going to pass out again, swallowing down a wave of nausea that threatened to leave him heaving. It took some time, but slowly he managed to steady himself against the trunk of a large tree while he breathed deeply and waited for the queasiness and lightheadedness to pass. When he’d felt steady enough to walk, he’d stumbled back to the village.

He'd just latched the back door closed when the adjoining door was flung open and his mum and Paddy stood staring, both obviously overtaken with worry as they descended on him. They had wanted to take him to hospital but Aaron had refused. So they begrudgingly patched up the cuts on his face, and then made him sleep on the sofa where they both sat watch over him, worried he had a concussion. But when he woke the next morning with only a bit of soreness to show for his fall, their concern turned quickly to anger and reprimand and just like that, Aaron could no longer hide his true intention. He could no longer pretend his hours of running was just for exercise, and by being forced to face what he was doing to himself, Aaron was also, in a way, forced to stop.

It didn't happen overnight, the change. But slowly Aaron managed to wean himself from running too hard and too fast and too much; of course Robert's absence from the village had helped. Not seeing his smug face everywhere had eased Aaron’s guilt enough he could manage most days...but Robert was locked up, in prison, and if Aaron thought about that too much it simply became another thing he felt guilty for; another thing he felt he had to run from because Aaron knew he should be locked up, too. It was his fault Katie had even been at the farm that day and the fact that Aaron had somehow gotten away with being complicit in that horrific and tragic accident, however minor the law might see his part in it, would haunt him forever.

Even with Vic working in the pub, and seeing Diane every day, and working with Adam at the scrapyard...no one talked about Robert those months he was inside; at least not to Aaron. It was as if he'd never existed and because of that, Aaron had been able to compartmentalize his unresolved feelings. He'd been able to push them far back into the darkest depths of his memory, behind several locked doors that held other troubling secrets he never wanted to confront. And as such he was able to get on with his life…mostly.

And so the weeks passed, and people healed. The village gossip turned to other things. Aaron slowly resumed a 'normal' routine, and his mum soon stopped asking him what was wrong, and if he was okay.

The problem now, of course, was Robert was back and all the anger and sadness and fear Aaron had locked away in the recesses of his memory had come bursting through, tearing to shreds the layers of protections he'd built up over the last several months. Everything had come flying at him so hard and so fast and if he stopped for even a moment to consider what had happened that February at Wylie’s, he found he could hardly breathe. Everything from those weeks after Katie had died was now brightly lit in his memory, the brightest spotlight shining directly on him and his part in it all.

All because Robert had come back.

On the roadside of a dark, quiet road he wasn’t sure he knew, Aaron threw his head back and sighed, his foggy breath obscuring the stars from him for the briefest of moments. Clenching his fists as hard as he could, Aaron took a few deep breaths, and though his feet were screaming out in heated discomfort, already beginning to swell in his boots, he turned and ran back the way he'd come, pushing himself as hard as he could, ignoring the shooting pain in his feet until he was back at the pub.

The following morning his mum cornered him in the kitchen. He was clad in socks, his feet swollen and blistered from his exertions the night prior. He'd already called and told a grumpy Adam he wouldn't be to work.

"You calm enough to talk now?" Chas arched a brow and Aaron sighed inwardly, dumping the dregs of his tea down the drain.

"Go on, then," he set his mug in the sink and crossed his arms, feeling defensive.

"I'm worried for ya," she started, and it took all of Aaron's willpower not to shift his weight to increase the pressure on the painful blisters on the balls of his feet.

"There's no need," Aaron replied after a beat, collecting himself and feeling equal parts pride and shame at how calm and collected he sounded, even to himself; maybe he was getting better at covering? Still, he noticed a tiny hint of doubt on his mum's face.

"You're telling me your sudden mood swings have nowt to do with _him_ being back?"

Aaron shrugged noncommittally, and Chas sighed in obvious frustration; he felt momentarily ashamed - she was only trying to help and he knew that, logically; but the shame was quickly quashed when he thought of the hurt and anger and devastation she'd feel if she ever were to learn of his part in what had happened to Katie.

"Just keep your distance from him, love, please," she said softly, shaking her head.

Keeping his distance wasn't the real problem, but Aaron didn't say anything. He just nodded, holding his breath until she'd left the backroom, then letting it all out in one big, heavy sigh.

If only distance from Robert would make the memories go away...

* * *

Turned out it wasn't hard for Aaron to keep his distance from Robert, because after their interrupted evening in the pub, their failed attempt at trying to "clear the air", Robert seemed to disappear. The month of October ended with Aaron catching no sight of him, or hearing from him even once. A part of him felt incredible relief, but another part of him also felt growing anxiety and, if he were honest, a tiny bit of curiosity because where was Robert? What was he doing with his days?

According to Adam - Robert was leaving Keeper's first thing each morning, and not returning until early evening each night. Adam of course was glad, as it meant he and Vic had more of their own time back, but for Aaron it only created more questions. Where was he going? What was he doing? There was no sign of him at the scrapyard, or in the cafe, or at the pub, or anywhere else around the village that people might gather. Not that Aaron was trying to find him...but the longer he was out of sight, the more uneasy Aaron became at the possibility of happening upon him unprepared; he didn't want to be caught by surprise again.

The upside was, with no Robert hanging about wherever Aaron went, Aaron was able to once again compartmentalize his resurfacing, unresolved guilt over Katie. With Robert nowhere to be seen, his mum also kept quiet about him, which in turn meant Aaron could go back to ignoring all the emotional fallout he’d bottled up from that fateful February day. And Aaron knew he was doing it - he was fully aware he was simply recreating his previous problem once again, but he didn't care. It was easier to fall back on his well-established coping mechanism (avoidance) rather than try and sort out his mess of a head.

And he managed…except for the days he’d catch site of Andy around the village. More than once he’d be in the café with Adam when Andy would come in; and more than once Adam would press Aaron as to why his mood would suddenly shift. Aaron avoided it, of course, but Adam never stopped asking about it.

Yet, even with Robert's sudden disappearing act and things in the village slowly returning to normal - Aaron continued his newly rediscovered running habit. He felt free when he was running, having started up again after giving his blistered feet a day’s rest. They were far from healed, but with his sneakers on he could better manage, and honestly, he wasn’t sure he wanted the blisters to totally heal.

He knew his mum would not approve or understand why he was running again - but he needed it. And so he started taking his gear to the scrapyard - going for runs in the mornings before Adam wandered in.

Running was the only way he could clearly make sense of his feelings, the only way he could purge the worst of them; his hatred of Robert battling his primal desire and suppressed love for him; his guilt over Katie feeding his need for punishment.  

Aaron wasn’t even a week into running before the morning jaunts simply were not enough; so he started sneaking off late at night, after the pub was closed and his mum, and Doug and Diane, were in bed...

His gear all black and the only light he used coming from the moon and stars, he had many close calls with cars, more than once a vehicle, going too fast for the narrow, winding roads, would bear down on him only to swerve at the last moment. There was a perverse thrill in the way he escaped injury each time, and quickly the danger became part of the attraction for Aaron. It was a way to tempt fate – because if Aaron were to get hit by a car in the middle of one of his nighttime runs, he knew he deserved to die bloody and alone on the side of the darkened road. It was no less than what Katie had suffered because of him and his foolish belief that he had meant more to Robert than money, or status, or the connections of a family like the White’s.

So Aaron kept running.

**~~~ February 2015 ~~~**

_Aaron crept quietly down the stairs, listening for sounds on the other side of the door. He could hear murmuring voices, his mum and someone else...Paddy, maybe? Aaron shuffled quietly to the closed door and pressed his ear to it, quickly stumbling backwards when he heard his mum let out an angry, gasping sob. The funeral had been a week earlier, but his mum was still traumatized  by Katie’s death, and struggling._

_Biting down on the inside of his cheek, Aaron fought back tears and grabbed his coat from the hanger on the wall, slipping out the back door. Outside, the cold February air nipped and bit at Aaron's exposed skin, causing his eyes to water._

_Slipping on his coat and jamming his hands into his pockets, Aaron walked along the back of the pub and the B &B to the road that passed through the top of the village. He paused there, gazing fondly at Smithy Cottage and its frosted windows, a part of him wishing for that simpler time. It took him only a moment to realize there'd never really been a simpler time, even when he’d been living with Paddy. His life had always been a precarious walk along a razor's edge of agony and pain and disaster and Aaron had to wonder how many more times he'd make it back and forth across that razor before he’d finally fall victim to it._

_Exhaling a cloud of breath that billowed around him, Aaron started walking again, turning to the left and around the garden of Mulberry Cottage to head down the main drag of the village, arriving at the cafe._

_Aaron pushed the cafe door open and was greeted by a blast of warm air that immediately pinked his cheeks. The cafe was quiet; absent any customers (which suited Aaron just fine), the only noise the soft sounds of Adele and the banging of pots and pans coming from the back._

_Approaching the counter Aaron was opening his mouth to call out when Bob suddenly appeared from the back kitchen. His expression was fixed with the pleasant smile he always seemed to wear._

_"Morning!" he chirped and Aaron couldn't help but offer a small smile in return._

_"Coffee please, Bob," Aaron said just as his phone buzzed in his pocket._

_Pulling it out, he frowned as he read the message, taking a step back from the counter. It was Robert._

_"Everything alright?" Bob asked and Aaron glanced up._

_"Yeah," he pocketed his phone and started back towards the door, "never mind about the coffee."_

* * *

_Aaron slid quietly through the door and stared for a long moment at Robert, head down as he wrote on a legal pad, sat at the big desk at the back of the room. Home Farm was quiet, no one else around so far as Aaron could see._

_“Got your message,” Aaron said then, loudly, biting back a smirk as Robert started at the sound of his voice._

_“What’d’ya want?”_

_“Just wanted to see how you were holding up,” Robert replied, collecting his composure as he stood and moved around to the front of desk, perching on the edge and crossing his arms; he looked no worse for wear for what had happened, and Aaron felt a flash of anger._

_A week ago he was talking Andy from the literal edge and now here he was, dressed to impress and no hint of sadness, or remorse, or guilt…_

_“So,” Robert smirked as his eyes traveled up Aaron’s body, “How are you?”_

_"How do you think?” Aaron snapped back, and Robert’s smile wilted._

_“It_ was _an accident, Aaron,” he replied, his swagger gone as he seemed to read Aaron’s inner thoughts and questions._

_"Was it?" Aaron crossed his arms defensively, narrowing his eyes at Robert._

_“Yes. It was. I swear,” Robert said his voice softer now, almost pleading causing Aaron's protective shell to weaken._

_He desperately wanted to believe the man before him - the man who he loved, who he craved, who he desired and needed - wasn’t capable of murder but the fact was Aaron just wasn’t sure of anything at all anymore. So much had happened between them and he no longer trusted himself to be able to tell the truth from a lie, and that almost hurt more than thinking Robert could have killed Katie intentionally._

_“She just fell through the floor,” Robert said, “we were talking, and she just fell.”_

_Aaron nodded, biting his lower lip and staring at Robert, trying to work out the truth in his words. Robert stared back, unflinching, and Aaron felt himself soften further...he had to be telling the truth. Robert might have been desperate and determined to hide their affair, but certainly he'd not resort to murdering his brother's wife?_

_Looking at him more closely, Aaron began to see the shadows under his eyes; the slightly disheveled look in his clothes; he appeared unrested the more Aaron looked and he felt some modicum of relief that maybe Robert was actually feeling some sadness and guilt about what had happened._

_“But what happened?” Aaron asked, “Were you really just talking? Was it about the photo?”_

_“She deleted the photo,” Robert said, standing from his perch on the desk and moving across the room to where Aaron stood, just inside the door._

_“We’d come to an agreement about it all,” Robert added, just an arm’s reach away now, “she said she’d keep quiet about us, and I promised to sell her and Andy the farm at a deep discount. Then she fell.”_

_Aaron nodded. It made sense – he could see it happening that way; he knew how badly Katie and Andy wanted Wylie’s…_

_“But, Aaron, just stay out of it from here on out,” Robert said then, his voice soft, and Aaron arched a brow in surprise._

_“Please.”_

_Aaron cocked his head slightly at Robert, silently questioning him._

_“There’s no need for you to be involved. No need for anyone to know you were there, that you ever contacted her, or talked to her about me, or anything. It was just a tragic accident and I’ll deal with it. Okay?”_

_“Where is everyone?” Aaron suddenly asked, neither agreeing nor disagreeing to Robert's request, a bad feeling beginning to grow in the pit of his stomach._

_“They went to visit Rebecca,” Robert said, his posture straightening and his tone more guarded, cautious._

_“And you and Chrissie?” Aaron asked with some hesitation._

_He knew it was too much to hope that Robert would finally call off his relationship with her, and as badly as he wanted Robert to pick him it was as if the moment the words left his mouth he knew what the answer would be and he immediately regretted bringing it up._

_“It’ll take some time, and some work, and probably more than one expensive gift or exotic trip, but I’ll win her back,” Robert said and Aaron felt his heart sink._

_Of course. He was choosing her…again. Aaron cursed silently to himself, angry that he’d even thought Robert might have changed his mind._

_“It’s what we do,” Robert shrugged half-heartedly, “I mess up, get her some expensive jewelry, she forgives me.”_

_“She hasn't chucked me out yet. That’s a good sign,” he added, his expression bemused._

_Aaron looked away from Robert, jamming his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans and feeling his car key jab at the soft fleshy pad of his palm. The discomfort eased Aaron's slowly breaking heart some; not much, but enough that the stinging tears that had he’d been fighting were pushed back._

_Aaron was done crying over and about Robert...and if nothing else this visit cemented that. Robert wanted Chrissie back; which meant he didn't want Aaron, and after what had happened with Katie at Wylie's, Aaron was done sneaking around; done being second best. He'd made this declaration to himself before, but this time he felt secure in the decision._

_As much as Aaron still wanted Robert (and God did he want him, so much and all the damn time), looking at him in his fancy suit standing smugly in the middle of the Home Farm office also made Aaron feel physically sick. How could he feel such desire and longing for someone, while simultaneously feeling revolting anger and hatred? He hated that Robert still had such power over him; he hated himself for being unable to stop wanting him. It was exhausting, and at the moment, Aaron didn’t even recognize the man before him. Or maybe he was actually seeing him for the first time...regardless, enough was enough._

_It was true Robert had confessed his love Aaron. He’d said it, and it had seemed genuine at the time…but he’d said it only after Katie had died and only when he’d needed Aaron’s help. Aaron didn’t know what to think, or if he should even believe his words had been true – even though every single molecule of his body was screaming at him to take it; to take whatever Robert would give him and to hell with anything else. And those thoughts only made the guilt worse. Katie had died because Aaron had wanted to reveal their affair; had wanted to force Robert to choose. And twice now, when faced with a choice Robert had chosen someone else. Aaron was tired and done being second best, second choice, a ‘dirty little secret’ Robert kept at arm’s length._

_Disgust and shame flooded Aaron’s body and without a word he turned, leaving Robert and Home Farm behind him for what he told himself was the last time._

**~~~ October 2015 ~~~**

It was Halloween when it all began to unravel for Aaron.

He’d been managing…somewhat. It had started out being a blessing Robert was nowhere to be seen. But that quickly faded because while he wasn’t in Aaron’s face was he was still around, somewhere, and in the end that lurking presence, even if he never saw him, wore Aaron down. He was running daily, most days going more than ten miles at a shot. It seemed his mum hadn’t noticed, though, and for that Aaron was thankful.

He’d managed to make it to work every day, most days getting his running in before Adam showed up and so there were no questions from his friend. Paddy, too, seemed distracted – running around with his own sense of urgency that Aaron didn’t recognize; but he was too busy keeping guard over his own secrets to worry about Paddy; in the end he was just thankful no one seemed to notice he was slowly getting worse.

Aaron knew he was getting worse. He was acutely aware of the tightness in his chest that never seemed to go away (except when he was running as hard and as fast as he could); he was discerning of the wave of guilt every time he caught sight of Andy around the village – which wasn’t too often because he was back living out at Butlers. Even still Aaron took to drinking his pints in the backroom most evenings, just in case Andy showed up in the pub.

But on Halloween – a night he rather disliked anyway – he found himself staring his demons literally in the face. Or so it seemed at the time…and everything came crashing down on him.

Sitting at the bar with Rhona, Paddy, and Leo, while Marlon and his mum worked behind the bar serving the hectic crowds, Aaron was at ease. Smiling and laughing at the incessant teasing happening within his odd, unconventional family. Strangers and villagers alike, dressed out in various levels of costume, came and went throughout the evening, much to Leo’s delight, and fright.

Aaron was laughing, in the middle of one of the brief reprieves from his own emotions he would get outside of running, when the door to the pub opened and a costumed couple walked in. And just like that, the air left Aaron’s lungs and he thought for the briefest of moments he might pass out.

“Seen a ghost?” Paddy chuckled, turning to follow Aaron’s frozen stare.

There was nothing spectacular about the costumes. They were in fact rather unspectacular. But the costumes weren’t what had captured Aaron’s attention. It was who was wearing them; a petite blond woman alongside a larger, hulking, dark-haired man. They could have been Andy and Katie; in fact they were, to Aaron, upon first glance. Dressed as zombie farmers, the pair fit in with the atmosphere in the pub. For Aaron, they were a giant trigger that left him frozen, unable to avert his gaze for even a moment as his heart pounded in his chest.

“You alright, mate?” Paddy’s voice sounded in Aaron’s ear, and though he sat between Aaron and the newcomers who were hovering by the door looking over a menu, Aaron could not look away.

“Aaron?”

He felt a warm hand grip his forearm.

“Aaron?”

“Yeah. Good. I just…gotta go,” Aaron said breathlessly as he offered a small smile and pulled away from Paddy, moving quickly round the bar and disappearing into the backroom. Thankfully the pub was far too busy for his mum to come chasing after him.

In the relative safety of the backroom Aaron felt his panic abate some, his breathing evening out while his heartrate began to normalize. Falling onto the couch, Aaron let himself sink deep into the soft cushions. Closing his eyes he willed himself to calm and fought against the urge to dart out the door and just run until his feet were bloodied and raw and could no longer carry him.

He sat there, eyes closed, for the rest of the night; he might have even dozed off once or twice. Later, when he heard his mum and Marlon start closing up, he retreated up to his room and pretended to be asleep when she knocked on his door.

The next morning, Aaron was surprised to come downstairs and find Andy seated at the table, mug of tea in front of him and heavily buttered toast in hand.

“Morning,” Aaron said awkwardly, feeling as if all his guilt were laid bare and Andy could see all the lies he’d told since February written across his face in bright neon letters.

But Andy only glanced and nodded at him in return, his mouth full of bread.

Diane popped out of the kitchen wiping her hands on a towel, “Morning, pet.”

“Can I make you something?” she added and Aaron shook his head.

“No, ta. Gotta delivery at the scrapyard,” Aaron lied easily, moving to the table and grabbing an orange from the bowl of fruit, avoiding Andy’s watchful stare.

Moments later he was slipping out the back door and breathing in the fresh air as he moved towards his car.

“Aaron!”

Turning, Aaron saw Andy standing at the open back door, a determined look on his face.

“I’m late,” Aaron blurted, backing up towards his car as Andy stepped out, closing the door behind him.

“Why’re you letting him back into your business?” Andy asked as he walked across the back parking area toward Aaron.

“You know what he did. To Katie. He admitted it,” Andy was a few feet away now, and his expression had turned anguished, his tone pleading.

“I don’t understand everyone! He killed Katie! He admitted it in court! Yet Vic, and Diane, and even you are just letting him come back here and resume his life as if nothing had happened, as if Katie didn’t matter at all,” Andy went on, and Aaron could see his eyes glistening.

Aaron’s own nerves, frayed and snarled, unraveled further and it was all he could do to stop himself confessing. It wouldn’t make Andy feel better; in fact it would only make everything worse, no matter how much relief it might give Aaron to finally admit out loud his part.

“We can’t buy him out, our business’d fold,” Aaron answered stiffly, recognizing how pitiful an excuse it was, especially compared to the pain in Andy’s expression.

Truth was, if they _really_ tried, he and Adam could probably figure something out – a way to get rid of Robert…but if Aaron suggested it, Adam would want to know why, and then he’d be back in the same position he was now; only instead of Andy, it’d be Vic who would be angry at him, more than she was already. Additionally, as much as his presence upset Aaron, he also had to wonder at how badly he really wanted Robert gone. No matter how much fought it, Aaron knew a teeny tiny part of him was glad Robert was back; a small part of him still a tiny bit hopeful that something might rekindle between them, no matter how badly they’d ruined things before; no matter how much they’d hurt so many people they both claimed to love. No matter how many times Robert had chosen Chrissie over him…

Andy just stared at Aaron, his expression slipping into incredulity while a tear slipped the corner of his eye.

“Gotta go, soz,” Aaron mumbled, turning on his heels and climbing into his car as quickly as he could before speeding off. As he drove up the back alley towards the road, he watched Andy in his rearview, standing there staring after him.

“Damn you, Robert,” Aaron mumbled under his breath as he came to the highway that would take him to Wishing Well and the scrapyard. He looked for traffic, seeing Paddy out on the front lawn of Smithy with a large black dog and when he waved Aaron felt a rush of irrational anger, squealing his tires as he left the gravel alley for the blacktop of the road, ignoring Paddy completely.

Just over an hour later, as he was aggressively throwing scrap around the yard and counting the hours until he could take off on a long run, he was surprised by Paddy walking into the yard. Adam was out on a pickup and neither Nicola nor Jimmy had shown up yet, so the place was quiet and Aaron had the solitude he desired to take out his anger, frustration, and guilt on lifeless scrap metal, his run that morning having actually made him feel worse.

“Hiya,” Paddy smiled, tugging at the hem of his shirt awkwardly as he was wont to do when he had something important he wanted to say.

“What’d’ya want Paddy,” Aaron snapped, easily ignoring the flash of surprised hurt that crossed Paddy’s features and wishing he had the frame of mind not to take his anger out on those who didn’t deserve it, like Paddy.

“You looked upset earlier. When I saw ya. On the road,” Paddy said in his typical, stilted way.

“I was just here to give some vaccinations-,” he added, gesturing generally in the direction of Wishing Well and the pig pens that lay beyond, “-to the pigs, not Zak or Lisa,” Paddy laughed awkwardly.

“So, you know…I thought I’d stop in. See you’re alright.”

Paddy stared at Aaron, lips pressed together, eyes wide in that questioning stare he frequently assumed. Aaron bristled under his look, but had enough presence of mind to bite back a mean retort.

“I’m alright,” Aaron finally responded, monotonously, knowing even as he was saying it that Paddy wasn’t going to buy it.

“Yeah, sure you are,” Paddy took a step closer.

Aaron threw a large hunk of twisted metal that used to be part of the front end of a car into a large pile of similar pieces, heaving a sigh as he did it.

“Paddy-,” he started, gathering all his strength to put up the front he’d been wearing since Robert had returned.

“No, Aaron. Something’s up with ya, I can see it,” Paddy interrupted as he stepped closer, his eyes boring into Aaron’s, examining him, “you’re not alright. I wish you’d talk to me. You can always talk to me. You know that.”

“I know,” Aaron said softly, honestly. He knew Paddy would always be there for him; it was one of the few things he knew to be certain in his life and because of that the pull of the confession was nearly too strong to overcome. Aaron could feel the words forming and while he just wanted to say it out loud to someone, he also wanted nothing more than for Paddy to go so he could swallow them back up again.

“So tell me,” Paddy said, taking another step closer, “I’m here for ya. I’ll always be here for ya.”

Aaron stared back at him, stubbornly quiet even though every bone in his body was screaming to just tell Paddy everything.

“Aaron. Please,” Paddy said, softly, “you look a mess and I’m scared for ya. I don’t want you to start hurting yourself again.”

Aaron felt his body react to that sentiment, and he wondered if Paddy had seen him flinch; he wondered if Paddy knew he’d already started again…

“Is it Robert?” Paddy asked, his voice soft.

It was a combination of things that finally broke Aaron – the gentleness of Paddy’s tone, the comfort of his presence, the nostalgia of their past and the absolute certainty Aaron held that Paddy was trustworthy and on his side even though he had done something so tragically terrible…

In the quiet of the scrapyard and the bright warmth of the mid-morning sun…all of it came together to culminate in a moment that Aaron impulsively seized.

“Katie. It’s my fault she died,” he blurted and for the briefest of moments he savored the incredible relief he felt at making the confession before he completely broke down.

Ten minutes later he and Paddy were sat in the portacabin, brews in hand.

To his credit, Paddy hadn’t asked any questions, he’d just let Aaron cry his tears before he’d led him inside and prepared them a couple mugs. Now that Aaron was dry-eyed, though, now it was time for reckoning.

“Tell me what happened,” Paddy asked, softly, gently, no judgment and Aaron both loved him and hated him for it.

Still, Aaron told him everything.

That night, when he left the scrapyard to go home he did just that; he went home. For the first time in weeks Aaron didn’t feel compelled to run himself to exhaustion.

* * *

Aaron woke the following day, truly rested for the first time in a long time, but also regretful. His conversation with Paddy at the forefront of his mind – most specifically Paddy’s parting words…” _I’ll come tomorrow. Be there while you tell your mum.”_

At the time it had made sense to agree. His mum deserved to know, and Aaron knew he would never be able to try and move past it if he didn’t confess to her – and hopefully get her forgiveness for his part.

Still…now that “tomorrow” had arrived Aaron, who had been ready to come back to the pub and immediately confess to his mum right after telling Paddy, suddenly didn’t want to tell her at all. It was going to break her heart, and probably (certainly) irreparably damage their already complicated relationship.

Aaron lingered upstairs, taking his time showering and dressing before finally descending the stairs. He wasn’t surprised to find Paddy sitting at the table with his mum, mugs before them, looking like they were explicitly waiting for him.

“Here he is, now will you tell me what’s going on?” Chas snapped at Paddy, her tone indicated she’d lost all patience and Aaron sighed inwardly; they had been waiting, and he just knew this wouldn’t go well if she was already in a foul mood.

“Morning, love,” she added with a tight-lipped smile, while Aaron cast a nervous glance at Paddy before moving to sit on the couch. His heart was pounding in his chest, his throat dry and his eyes already burned with tiny pinpricks as tears threatened.

“Paddy’s been sat here going on fifteen minutes and he refuses to tell me why he’s here,” Chas leveled a hard gaze at Paddy, and Aaron might have laughed at the look if his heart weren’t pounding hard and fast like a bass drum in his chest.

“Aaron?” Paddy said, leadingly, and Aaron took a deep breath, fisting his hands in the thick fabric of his black jeans.

“I have to tell you-,” Aaron paused, shook his head slightly as his heart beat pounded in his ears and his eyes pricked with tears, “no, I need to tell ya…and I’m scared to tell ya…because I don’t want you to hate me. And you will hate me, I know you’ll hate me.”

Burning tears were slipping down his face freely, and Aaron could see through the blur his mother looking at him with surprised, wide eyes.

“I won’t hate ya, love,” she moved like she was going to stand but stopped when Aaron held up his hands to her.

“You might hate me,” he said, wiping furiously at his face.

“Take a breath,” Paddy’s soft voice soothed Aaron’s frayed nerves just a bit – enough he could regain a slight bit of composure.

“Aaron, you’re scaring me,” Chas said then, her face ashen and Aaron felt his entire body go tingly and numb – he was certain, she was going to hate him.

“I’m sorry, mum,” he started, taking a deep breath, “Katie…what happened…it was-,” he paused again, gulping in a breath of air while staring at the mug sat on the table in front of his mum, “-it was my fault she was at Wylie’s that day. It’s my fault she died.”

**~~~ March 2015 ~~~**

_Aaron heard the vehicle on the gravel out in the yard before he saw it. He knew it wasn't Adam back because the truck had a heavier sound. Staring at the door, Aaron tried to cover his surprise when Robert of all people stumbled into the portacabin._

_“Haven’t seen you in a few weeks," Robert said. The door was open behind him and the low hanging sun was glinting off the windscreen of the white Audi._

_“Been busy”, Aaron grunted in response, clearing up the paperwork he was working on, suddenly anxious to get out into the open of the yard. He didn't want to spend another moment in the portacabin alone with Robert._

_“Besides, last I heard you were trying to get back into Chrissie's good books,” Aaron stood and slung on his coat and high vis vest, roughly pushing past Robert and bounding down the few stairs, heading towards the car he'd been stripping earlier that morning._

_It was bitter cold, and as he pulled on his work gloves his breath came out in sharp, puffy white clouds of condensation that hung in the wet air before slowly dissipating._

_“I am,” was Robert’s only reply._

_Aaron, his back to Robert, leaned over and picked up the crowbar he'd left out._

_“Well that leaves me firmly out of it. So what d’ya want,” Aaron said through clenched teeth, desperately trying to ignore the hollow ache in his chest as he positioned the crowbar between the crushed in passenger door and the frame of the olive green Ford._

_“I just wanted to let you know the police are still investigating Katie’s death.”_

_Aaron paused at Robert's words, fear gripping at him._

_“Why?” Aaron turned around to face Robert, all pretenses gone._

_He'd spent the last few weeks working long days, taking long runs at night, and generally avoiding his mum and Andy for fear of blurting out the part he’d played in Katie's death. The only small bit of comfort he had in the entire, awful affair was the fact that it had been an accident. He’d even somewhat managed to convince himself that she could have fallen at any time; maybe even when she and Andy were up there working on the house. He’d nearly managed to convince himself it hadn't been his fault for luring her there...yet now here was Robert stirring the pot again and making Aaron question everything._

_“Can we go back inside?” Robert replied, his hands deep in the pockets of his leather coat._

_The air between them was foggy with the cold, wet, winter air, the snow in forecast making its presence known ahead of schedule. Aaron could see Robert’s cheeks and the tip of his nose turning red in the cold._

_Aaron wanted to roll his eyes - who wore a leather coat in the winter? They were completely non-functional at keeping a person warm..._

_“Fine,” Aaron tossed the crowbar to the ground, harder than necessary, where it clanged dully on the frozen, gravelly substrate._

_“So go on,” Aaron finally said, when they were back in the warm (relatively) portacabin, both their faces flushed from the sudden temperature change; Aaron stood leaning against the file cabinets behind his desk, arms crossed expectantly while Robert hovered near the door, his hands still in his coat pockets._

_“They said the circumstances are suspicious, the way she fell,” Robert said, his eyes darting away from Aaron’s face as he spoke, his tone not as arrogantly smug as Aaron was used to._

_“But she did fall,” Aaron pressed, seeking confirmation from Robert that his initial story was still true._

_“Yeah,” Robert nodded, speaking softly, “yeah, she fell. Just like I said.”_

_Aaron’s stomach sank as he realized there was more to the story than Robert was telling him - and that scared him more than being found out._

_“Is that all?' Aaron asked, leadingly._

_“Yeah. Yes. I just wanted to let you know. In case the police come round to yours to talk to Chas or something,” Robert shuffled closer to the door of the portacabin, looking like a cornered animal._

_“So, ya know, just keep out of it like I said and it'll all come good.”_

_And then before Aaron could even react he was gone. Out the door in a flash and by the time Aaron crossed the short distance to the open door, Robert’s car was at the gate kicking up gravel as he sped, too fast, out of the yard._

_Unsettled, Aaron stared at his work boots on the dirty, grease-stained floor of the portacabin. Something was wrong. Very wrong. Robert's visit had rubbed Aaron the wrong way. He’d seemed...worried, and that caused Aaron worry._

_The cold (coldest day so far), too much for Aaron to handle, soon drove him back to the village and back to the pub. Changing out of his work clothes, Aaron walked through from the back to the bar (which was empty save two strangers nursing bottles at the back) to find Diane and Vic huddled at the end of the bar chatting heatedly._

_“Where's he gonna go, though?' Vic said as Aaron grabbed a pint glass and set it under the tap. He barely glanced their way, intent on his pint._

_“He can't stay with me because I’ve got Andy,” Vic went on, “maybe he can stay here?”_

_At that, Aaron perked up, curious as to who the 'he' they were talking about was._

_“Chas'd never allow it,” Diane said, and out of the corner of his eye Aaron saw them both turn to look at him. He pretended he didn’t see them._

_“This is your home, too,” Vic replied, sullenly._

_“Maybe Andy could come here then?” Vic added after a brief pause, “Robert can't be left on his own. He’ll think we don't believe him!”_

_“I know, pet, but he's under investigation,” Diane said, “not much we can do about that.”_

_“I just won't believe it. He would never hurt Katie,” Vic sniffled, and Aaron nearly dropped his now full pint._

_“What's this?” Aaron set his pint on the bar and turned to Diane and Vic, in a bit of a shock and abandoning all pretenses that he hadn’t been eavesdropping._

_“They're saying Katie’s death wasn't an accident,” Vic replied, her eyes red-rimmed but dry; she must have cried all her tears already._

_“Robert's under investigation,” Diane added, her expression betraying her disappointment._

_Aaron, bile rising in his throat, choked it back and nodded._

_“It's not true,” Vic piped up then, probably seeing something in Aaron’s expression because her tone turned angry, “he wouldn't do it. He wouldn't!”_

_Aaron, panic rising within him, didn't respond as he backed away from the two women before turning on his heels and retreating to the back room; he ignored Diane’s calls after him about his full pint, still set on the bar._

_It might have been too cold for working, but it wasn't too cold for running; changing clothes again, Aaron set out in the cold, running until his legs were frozen, dead weights and his lungs burned and his face was numb...when he got back to the pub he could hear his mum and Diane talking._

_Closing the back door, he started up the stairs when his mum appeared in the small back foyer._

_“Alright love?” she asked and Aaron nodded, his body radiating heat now that he was out of the cold, early evening air._

_He could see worry in her expression, but he ignored it._

_“Andy's gonna stay with us for a bit,” she said._

_“’K,” Aaron shrugged; feigning nonchalance while inside we was bricking it._

_“Chrissie's kicked Robert out,” Chas spat his name, her anger obvious._

_“Chrissie? " Aaron shook his head, confusion swirling. "I thought he was staying at the B and B?”_

_“He was until last week when Chrissie let him move back to Home Farm,” Chas shook her head, disgusted, and Aaron wondered how he’d not known about this change. Had anyone said anything? Aaron, as he thought back, found he couldn’t recall the details of a single conversation he had had the last month (except those with Robert), since Katie, and that was a bit scary._

_“The police think he had something to with Katie. They’re investigating him. So he's staying at Vic’s.”_

_Aaron nodded. That explained Robert’s visit to the scrapyard earlier. Looking down, he fiddled with his ear buds; they’d gotten tangled on his run._

_“Well don't put yourself out or anything. Katie was only my best mate. No need to show any concern or anger on her behalf,” Chas shouted angrily before moving back through the door to the back room, slamming it shut behind her._

_Aaron, too wrapped up in his own thoughts, just sighed and headed upstairs._

* * *

_T_ _he following day, Aaron was surprised to find Robert waiting for him at the scrapyard._

_“What're you doin' here?” Aaron asked, tension rising in him with Robert's presence._

_Robert - obviously freezing - stood outside the portacabin, huddled in his same leather coat with his hands deep in his pockets and his collar pulled up as tall as it would go. No gloves...no hat...no scarf. If Aaron hadn’t been so on edge, he might have laughed at the other man's pathetic appearance. Particularly because it wasn't as if he couldn’t afford warmer clothing - though if it was true and Chrissie had thrown him out, maybe he wasn't as well off anymore..._

_"I heard you were homeless," Aaron smirked as he walked past Robert to unlock the cabin._

_Inside the portacabin, Aaron turned on the small space heater before slipping off his winter coat and perching on the edge of his desk, arms crossed, staring expectantly at Robert who remained huddled in his coat in the open doorway. It was an eerie throwback to the day before and in a strange, perverse way, Aaron found a bit of humor in it all._

_Robert looked not just pathetically underdressed for late-February, but also dejected. There was an air of desperation about him; his eyes were dark and hooded, and his expression was cutting deep lines in his youthful face making him look ten years older._

_A sense of unease began to creep up Aaron's spine._

_"What? Robert-," Aaron started but Robert cut him off._

_"Gimme your phone," he said, his voice strong and loud and a contrast to his beaten down appearance._

_"Wha-? Why?" Aaron pulled a face and simply shook his head, the weight of his phone - safely in the front pocket of his jeans - suddenly of note._

_"Just give it me," Robert sighed, softer, raking a hand through his hair._

_Aaron almost smiled at the way that simple action made it stood up on end, the random angles making the completely disheveled look of it seem purposeful. He supposed many men might spend far too much time trying to make their hair do what Robert's did naturally._

_"You sent a text to Katie, yeah? The day she died?" Robert continued, and Aaron's distracted amusement over the state of Robert's hair disintegrated in an instant._

_"The police. They're investigating me and they're gonna be looking at Katie's phone records," Robert held out his hand._

_"Gimme your phone, Aaron. Please."_

_Wordlessly, Aaron stood from his perch and pulled his phone from his pocket, handing it over._

_"If the police come to talk to you about a text message or something, just tell 'em you lost it last month," Robert waved the phone before pocketing it and moving towards the door._

_"They won't look any further if you just tell ‘em that, 'k?" Robert looked at Aaron, his eyes wide and pleading._

_"Yeah," Aaron said automatically, his head a tunnel of white noise as the gravity of the situation slowly settled in._

_Robert seemed to visibly relax at that, and with a sad sort of smile, he nodded and was gone._

_Aaron stared after him with confused thoughts swirling in his head...mainly he was starting to wonder if it was really true...did Robert really kill Katie? All to protect the secret of the affair? It seemed impossible to Aaron. He knew Robert had been desperate to keep their relationship under wraps, and that he'd been desperate to marry Chrissie - but nothing in any of the interactions and time he'd spent with Robert could reconcile him to be a man who'd purposefully push a woman to her death. Aaron really didn't think Robert had it in him to do that; which begged a larger question - did he even know Robert at all?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the delay in posting this....if there's anyone even still reading! With the state of the show currently, I have found a bit of renewed motivation for this story. It definitely won't be 6+ months until the next update. Thanks for reading and sticking with me.


	4. Distance

**~~ October 2015 ~~**

_His touch was rough yet gentle, his grip strong yet tender; hands grabbing at the flesh of Robert’s hips, hard enough to leave bruises. He had a fleeting thought about how he would explain away the marks on his body before he simply lost himself to the pleasures of the flesh. Aaron’s mouth, and tongue, working on him; Aaron’s breathe hot and wet and leaving traces everywhere. His pace was frantic, yet also slow and measured. He knew just how to make Robert putty in his hands; he knew just how to cause him to lose control, Robert’s whole body shaking with restraint, and pleasure, and desire._

_Hands in Aaron’s hair, gripping and pulling while Aaron brought him closer and closer…so close…on the verge…_

The slamming of a door startled Robert awake, disrupting the dream and leaving Robert with a distinct feeling of loss. The dream, nay memory, a scene that had played out quite a number of times in the real world – _before –_ caused his heart to ache with how much he missed it; how much he missed the connection they’d had, and how much he missed the man himself. In his mind’s eye he could still see the image of Aaron between his legs, glancing up at each pleasing grunt and groan Robert elicited – sometimes without intention. He could still remember the glee in Aaron’s eyes as he did all the things he knew Robert loved…

Tossing aside his blankets, Robert sighed heavily before looking at his phone…6:13am.

Closing his eyes for moment, Robert breathed another sigh before rising from the bed, his arousal from the dream evident in his pyjama bottoms. Checking the hallway outside his room for any signs of Victoria or Adam, Robert hurried to the bathroom and started up the shower, taking care of himself as images from his dream replayed in his head. He could almost imagine Aaron touching him, caressing and kissing and holding on to him…hot water beating down and washing away the mess when it came.

This wasn't the first time Robert had had this particular dream of Aaron - just usually it didn't get as far as it did; usually it was disrupted by Katie appearing, or Aaron transforming into someone unrecognizable. Someone who was angry, and hurt, and cruel....not the caring, loving person Robert knew Aaron to be - even if he wasn't that person to Robert at the moment. And Aaron couldn't be that person to Robert, not yet, and though it hurt, Robert understood. He just wanted to make it up to Aaron - he wanted to make things better, he just wasn’t sure how. That had been his intention in meeting up with him at the pub; to clear the air and to lay all his cards out on the table. But they hadn't even made it five minutes before Chas, and then Andy, had burst in and ruined it. Robert sighed, dressing slowly for the day, trying to figure out how he could possibly make being back in Emmerdale work out. He was persona non grata to everyone except Victoria, and maybe Diane. And all he seemed to be doing was upsetting everyone, including Aaron, which was quite literally the last thing he wanted to do.

If only people knew what he'd done in prison; what he'd endured and the lengths he'd gone to, to get an early release...

Robert wanted to see Aaron again, to make sure he was okay after their mostly innocent meeting at the pub was derailed by Chas, and Andy. But Robert didn't want to pressure him...he could see how he was barely holding it together. He could recognize Aaron was struggling and if Robert knew if he weren't such a selfish person, he'd leave. He'd go away and give Aaron space and distance to heal; to not be reminded of what had happened by Robert showing up in his life and in his space all the time.

But Robert _was_ selfish, and selfishly he wanted to be near Aaron. He wanted everything he'd endured the last eight months (or really, the last year - since his initial return to the village) to have been worth something and he knew that would never happen if he left. The only outcome Robert would accept was at least one more chance to make things right with Aaron...as deluded as that idea seemed after the mess of things the last several days (and the seemingly impossible likelihood of Aaron ever actually giving him a chance again).

He needed to give Aaron distance; hard as it was.

So Robert stayed in the village, but stayed away from Aaron. He didn't go to the scrapyard and he didn't go the pub. He didn't go to the cafe, and he didn't go to David's if he could help it. Instead he spent the next few days driving into town and visiting various other cafes and coffee shops while he sorted his life out, for what felt like the umpteenth time in his short life. There'd been things neglected, or put on hold, when he'd gotten sent down, and so taking the time to take care of those things provided a good distraction from both his memories of prison, and his memories of Aaron.

To her credit, Victoria didn't pester him about where he disappeared to each day, but Robert could tell she wanted to ask by the way she watched him in the evenings when they'd sit around and watch telly; or when he'd turn down an invite to go to the pub for a pint with her and Adam. He could tell she was concerned and so Robert took it upon himself to try to act more normal...or rather more like she seemed to expect him to. He didn't want questions, not just because he wasn't ready to talk about the last six months with her (or anyone), but because he was afraid he'd admit everything to her. About Aaron, and Katie, and what came after...

Spending his days alone in town, it didn’t take long for Robert’s list of things to be whittled down to one remaining. Arguably the most massive of all the things in his life left to straighten out. And that was why a few days later Robert found himself heading to Home Farm. He'd not seen any of the White's since his release some weeks earlier...which likely was due to his avoiding all the village public spaces more than anything else, but he knew it was time to address the last, big, question mark in his life.

The grandiosity of Home Farm felt foreign to Robert as he pulled up and parked outside the entrance to the office. The house looked cold and unwelcoming, and the grounds, while meticulously landscaped and as beautiful as ever, seemed a mockery; a façade; hiding the true, cold nature of the family that resided within the stone walls of the grandiose estate. Robert stared at the grounds around him from the driver's seat of his car, wondering how he'd ever thought this was what would make him happy. True, he'd enjoyed the work, and true, he'd enjoyed the money...but after losing everything, and enduring months of prison and coming out the other side with next to nothing left, he still knew without a doubt this house and this family were not the things he most wanted back. He didn't desire to be a part of any of it anymore. And if not for the fact that he was still technically a part of the company Robert didn't think he'd ever give the Whites the time of day again...but he was still on Home Farm payroll...and he needed to do something about that.

Climbing out of his car, he strode purposefully up to the door and with just the briefest moments pause, opened it and entered the Home Farm office like he'd never left. He wasn't sure what to expect once inside...Lawrence sat behind the big desk at the back of the room, or Chrissie tapping away on a computer, or both of them?

But the office was empty. Quiet.

Robert, leaving the door open behind him, slowly crossed the room, looking around. Nothing much had changed. The photos that used to be on the desk of he and Chrissie were gone, replaced by photos of Chrissie with Lachlan and Lawrence at what looked like a Home Farm event, as well as a photo of them all with Rebecca on some beach.

Robert rolled his eyes, knowing full well the happy family the photos were meant to illustrate to business prospects was just an illusion. The Whites had never been a happy, close-knit family in all the time Robert had known them, not even before they had come to Emmerdale and moved into Home Farm; before everything had fallen apart.

"What are you doing here?"

Robert spun around at the sound of Chrissie's voice. It was hard and angry, but also laced with a bit of nervous surprise.

She stood just inside the door Robert had just come through, wearing wellies and a work coat that was dusted with bits of wet mud and grass.

Robert arched a brow as he took in her appearance. She'd never been one for hard graft and he couldn’t help but wonder what was going on that she was walking around the grounds in such a state.

"Chrissie," Robert grinned, holding out his arms in a mocking invitation for a hug.

"I had heard you were back," Chrissie replied coolly, ignoring his insincere gesture, "why are you here?"

"Nice to see you, too," Robert smiled smugly, enjoying the annoyed expression that crossed Chrissie's angled features. She'd never been one to hide her emotions well, and Robert felt a perverse pleasure in still being able to wind her up so easily.

"What do you want," she repeated, tone hard and eyes narrowing.

"To work. I'm here to work."

"You must be joking!" Chrissie smiled then, and for one brief moment Robert saw the woman he had first been attracted to all those years ago.

In that moment she looked the strong, independent, business-savvy woman who could stand up for herself to nearly anyone. Who had challenged Robert and his business acumen, then later had challenged his romantic advances. She'd been the prize of a hard-fought battle (and the ultimate wind-up to Lawrence, which Robert now could admit had been part of the initial attraction). Robert had prided himself on succeeding in winning her over in the end; on securing himself a place in the business and the family. He'd always enjoyed their verbal sparring matches, and even now, though the feelings of love he’d had for her were vastly diminished and overshadowed by feelings for someone else that were so much stronger and made him feel more alive than any feelings he’d ever had for her, he still found her argumentative side sexy; and amusing.

"No. No joke," Robert, stuffing hands in his pockets, shook his head and the memory of her from before faded, leaving just the Chrissie of now; the one who'd been used egregiously by Robert (though he'd never admit it out loud to anyone).

"I helped build this company, I'm entitled," he added.

"You're entitled to nothing!" Chrissie laughed, crossing her arms and forming a smug smile. Robert could feel the pendulum of control swinging away from him; she sounded firm and stalwart in her position. It was a change from the woman he'd left six months ago - heartbroken over his part in Katie's death. He wondered how she'd feel if she were to find out the rest of it; about Aaron and the affair. Robert clenched his jaw, resisting the urge to tell her just to hurt her and prove his point. Revealing that now would not just hurt Chrissie, but also Aaron, and Robert didn't want to do that - he knew Aaron was struggling enough without having to deal with Robert's scorned ex-fiancé.

"You're wrong," he said calmly, taking his hands out of his pockets and moving a step towards her. It wasn't lost on him the brief look of fear that crossed her features, and the slight step back she took to maintain the distance between them.

"I think you should go now," she said, recovering her composure, but Robert could see she was bit unnerved. It both emboldened him and shamed him that she was apparently afraid of him.

"I will get what's rightfully mine," Robert took another step towards her, but this time she stood her ground.

"Just go, Robert. Leave. You're not welcome, or wanted, or missed here," Chrissie repeated, angry now.

Just then Robert heard the familiar sound of the ATV on the gravel drive outside and he knew in a few moments Sam would come walking through the office for his mid-morning tea break.

"I will be back. I'm not going to let this go," Robert leveled his gaze at her and raised his eyebrows for emphasis before he walked past her (pretending not to notice how she moved several steps to the side so to be out of arms reach) and drove back into the village.

**~~ February 2015 ~~**

_"It's our wedding day, Robert!" Chrissie yelled, her face a mixture of anger, and hurt. She was no longer in her dress, but she still had traces of makeup on her face, and her hair was still in the fancy updo, though wild tendrils had fallen out making her look quite the mess._

_"We were supposed to be at that church getting married!"_

_Robert stood just inside the open front door of Home Farm, still in his wedding suit and having come straight back to Home Farm from the police station._

_Chrissie stood before him, angrier than Robert could remember ever seeing her. Lawrence hovered behind her, glaring daggers - but Robert easily ignored him. He only had eyes for Chrissie. He was embarrassed, and ashamed, and guilt-stricken. Not just because of what had happened with Katie, but because of what he'd done to Chrissie...and Aaron. He tried not to let the fact he had seven unheard voicemails from Aaron, and three times that many text messages, sway him because at this very moment he was about saving his relationship with Chrissie; and saving his position at Home Farm. That was all that mattered and his priority. Aaron would have to wait._

_"I know-," Robert started, but was cut off by a hard slap across his face, the sound of it echoing through the large front room._

_"Was I not enough for you? You had to go off and cheat with your brother's wife? On our wedding day?" Chrissie was in his face now, her eyes wild and accusing, and Robert was momentarily caught off guard by the intensity of her anger._

_"Wha-? N-n-no," he finally stammered out, "Chrissie, I love you. I would never cheat on you with her. That's not what happened."_

_"I'm so sorry," he added, as softly and gently as he could muster. It didn't go unnoticed by him how her expression softened the slightest bit._

_"Chrissie, come on," Lawrence stepped forward then, grabbing her by the shoulders and pulling her back, out of reach of Robert._

_"I think you should go now," he added stonily, and with an undercurrent of malice that wasn't lost on Robert._

_"No," Chrissie shrugged out of her father's grip, and shook her head, "no. I want to hear this. I want to know what creative excuse he has for meeting up with another woman. On our wedding day!"_

_Crossing her arms, she stood and stared at Robert with an expectant expression on her face. Lawrence, betraying his obvious impatience at the scene, rolled his eyes and arched a brow at Robert as if to say 'try your best'._

_Robert looked between the two of them, mind racing. He knew he really only needed to get Chrissie back on side; but he also knew he needed to be convincing enough to her that Lawrence couldn't poison her against him once he was out of sight._

_"It was all about the farm sale," Robert blurted, and Chrissie's brow furrowed._

_"What?" she asked with a slight shake of her head._

_"Katie was upset that she and Andy were arguing so much, and she asked me to meet her at the farm to resolve our differences once and for all. I tried to put her off, because of the wedding, but she was insistent it be today. She said it wouldn't take long, and I thought I had time."_

_Lawrence's expression betrayed his incredulity and Robert knew he'd not been the least convincing to him. But Chrissie's expression was more confused - as if she were trying to work out if the Katie she knew (albeit barely) would behave in such a way. So Robert pressed on, encouraged that she appeared to at least be considering his story._

_"I was planning to strike a deal with her. You know, some sort of sale on the cheap. Just to smooth things over and show there were no hard feelings about everything-," Robert paused, considering his next words carefully - making sure to echo the story he'd told the police, "-but when I got there I found her. Just...lying there in that pile of broken wood and glass..."_

_Robert's voice trailed off as he truly relived the moment in his mind for the first time since it had happened just hours earlier. He’d had to pretend at the police station and he’d been able to lie to himself; but suddenly that lie was just that, a lie. He couldn’t pretend any longer that he hadn’t been at fault. That Katie would still be alive if he hadn’t made the one, single decision he had…if he hadn’t put his hands on her. He could still feel the give of her small, light frame as he’d pushed her backwards in anger. He could see, in his mind's eye, her stumble backwards and hit the floor and then disappear. Falling; falling through a rotten, busted floor. He could still hear the cracking of the broken wood and tinkling of broken glass and the sound her body made when it hit the hard stone floor below..._

_For the first time that day, since it had happened, Robert felt his body react. At the time he'd been so concerned with covering it all up that he hadn't had a moment to consider what had happened. And then Sam showed up, and the police, and now here he was helpless to stop the flood of memories and helpless to stop reliving the morning's events as if they were happening for the first time._

_His eyes started stinging with tears, and he felt his heart rate increase as he remembered gently inching forward towards the gaping hole, staring down through the broken floor and seeing her lying there, unmoving. He could feel the weight of the moment as he remembered slowly tromping down the stairs to the floor below and seeing her, unmoving, not breathing. He shuddered in shame as he recalled ignoring her broken, dead body and instead picking up her phone and frantically trying to figure out her passcode, then deleting the photo she’d taken and the text from Aaron once he had broken in. He could still see, in his head, the joy on her and Andy’s faces in the wedding photos he’d scrolled through…_

_…Andy._

_Robert felt like he was in a living nightmare and suddenly his body started shaking and he couldn't breathe and then Chrissie was there holding him to her, stroking his hair, and he wondered fleetingly what was happening...why was he reacting this way? Still, he clung to Chrissie like his life depended on it, praying the moment would pass and letting her comfort him like he remembered his mother used to do._

_When he'd calmed again, had gathered his wits about him he was surprised to find himself no longer standing by the front door but rather sitting on the sofa in the den. He could hear Lawrence and Chrissie in the kitchen, talking in hushed tones, but not low enough he couldn't make out their words._

_"He's faking it, Chrissie!" Lawrence said, his obviously barely-contained contempt making him sound like a snake hissing out her name._

_"Dad," Robert heard her sigh in response and unashamed, he felt a tiny smile play on his lips._

_"You're not seriously considering taking him back, after that pathetic excuse and even more pathetic performance?"_

_"I don't know," she responded, which further emboldened Robert; all was not lost._

_"Chrissie-,"_

_"I know. I just-," the water faucet turned on then and Robert couldn't hear the rest of what she said._

_Moments later Chrissie appeared with a glass of water and small smile. Robert arranged his face into as pitiful a look as he could manage, intent to play on her sympathy as long as he could. He hadn’t been faking the breakdown, but he was quite aware enough of himself now to play upon the sympathy Chrissie obviously had for him._

_"Here," Chrissie stood before him and handed him the glass, her tone no longer angry, but still cautious._

_Robert leaned forward and took the glass, taking a long drink._

_"Do you have somewhere to go?" Chrissie asked, then, and when Robert looked up at her, mouth open to protest being sent away, she stopped him with a hand._

_"You can't stay here. I need more time to think."_

_Robert nodded._

_"So it's not over?" he asked, hopefully._

_"Like I said, I need more time to think," she repeated._

_It was something. She wasn't saying 'never', she was just saying 'not yet'._

_"Yeah, I'll find somewhere," Robert said, taking another drink before setting the glass on the coffee table._

_Standing slowly, suddenly feeling exhausted, Robert saw Lawrence watching them from the kitchen. He was still so angry, and it was evident in his entire demeanor. He was practically vibrating._

_"I'm so sorry for everything," Robert said, eyes moving back to Chrissie as he stepped towards her, "I still want to marry you. I hope you still want to marry me."_

_Chrissie huffed in response, a sardonic smile playing on her lips._

_"I love you," Robert added, ignoring how the words suddenly felt foreign on his tongue, especially after the declaration Aaron had made to him earlier that very day._

_Aaron’s declaration had been a shock, though not an entirely unpleasant one. Because even as Aaron was insisting he thought Robert loved him back, Robert was already denying it to himself and pushing away the feelings; burying them. He didn’t want to admit Aaron was right; he couldn’t admit it – Robert did love him. But he loved Chrissie too...in a way..._

_Chrissie nodded, and didn't turn away when Robert pulled her in for a hug. As he felt Chrissie's arms wrap around him, tentative in their embrace, his eyes found Lawrence again. He still stood in the kitchen, watching and shaking his head, a twisted, angry smile on his face. Robert stared at him for a beat longer - biting back a smug smile – before he closed his eyes and lowered his face into Chrissie's shoulder, knowing the effect it would have on Lawrence. A moment later, when Robert felt Chrissie's grip loosen, he immediately pulled back and with a kiss to her cheek, walked out of Home Farm and ignoring Lawrence completely._

_He felt confident. He was certain. He had managed to work his way back in, and for the first time that awful day he felt like things were beginning to get back on track, and that everything might turn out okay for him after all._

**~~ October 2015 ~~**

The day after his confrontation with Chrissie at Home Farm, Robert ventured out into the village – the first time in weeks – curious if he'd see Aaron and disappointed when he did not. Finally settling in at the cafe with his laptop and an Americano (Bob remembered his coffee order without being asked, and Robert felt an odd rush of endearment for the man), he logged into his email account.

There, at the top of the list of new messages, was a notice from his bank. His account had fallen below the minimum and if he didn't put money in by the close of business that day, he'd be charged a hefty fee.

Robert gawped at the message for several moments before logging into his online bank system. He was shocked to see his account had dwindled...the months of automatic payments for his various other accounts and obligations had bled him dry. He'd known things were getting dire but he hadn't thought they were this bad. He'd thought he had at least another month or two of funds to tide him over...

Sighing he logged out and closed his laptop before leaning back into the sofa sipping his coffee, thinking. The scrapyard was no good for a quick influx of cash - and even if he could withdraw his investment he didn’t want to. Being a part of that business was the only thing still tying him to Aaron in any meaningful and legitimate way. Robert would pay any fine to prevent losing that last, tenuous connection.

That left Home Farm.

Several times during Robert’s incarceration a solicitor had shown up with papers from Home Farm, along with instructions from Lawrence to sign them and resign his position and rank in the company…and every time Robert had torn the papers and sent the lawyer on his way. It wasn’t that he necessarily wanted back into Home Farm when he was released, but it was the principle of the thing. He wasn’t about to surrender to Lawrence, and certainly not for zero compensation. He knew Lawrence had tried anything and everything within his power to have Robert removed from the company, but without Robert’s signature all of Lawrence’s attempts were for naught. Now Robert was left with no other option but to allow Lawrence to buy him out…

Robert sighed again, ignoring the curious glances from Bob. He hadn’t been planning to go back up there so soon; he didn't want to stoke the fire under Chrissie because he knew she'd just dig her heels in more. But Robert needed money, and fast.

Not quite an hour later, Robert pulled up to Home Farm ready to fight tooth and nail for his role in the company; or rather, ready to fake a fight in the hopes of a major buyout. A buyout he felt would likely be far less than he deserved for all the years he’d dedicated to the company, and a buyout he felt certain would not come; at least not easily.

Walking into the office as if he still belonged, he was heartened to see Lawrence was alone, sat at his big desk. As Robert walked into the office he raised his head and his features twisted into an angry snarl.

"What? Get out!" Lawrence shot up from his chair and bellowed, arm gesturing wildly towards the door Robert had just come through.

"I don’t think so," Robert continued across the room, stopping when he reached the desk and grinning inwardly at the state his presence put Lawrence in. The man was huffing and puffing, face growing red.

"Get. Out," Lawrence repeated through a clenched jaw.

"No," Robert shook his head, smiling smugly.

"I'm not leaving here until I get what is owed me. What is rightfully mine."

"What is rightful-," Lawrence stared at him wide-eyed, "you can’t be serious? Nothing here is yours! Nothing is owed you. Not after what you did to this family!"

Robert bit back all the things he ever wished he could say to Lawrence, about how Robert’s presence was Lawrence’s doing; how he had coddled Chrissie; how together they had enabled that little terror Lachlan. Robert had never felt more relieved to be free of situation then he felt to be free of the Whites…aside from prison, anyway.

"That's where you're wrong," Robert slipped his hands into his pockets. "I helped build this company. You wouldn't where you are now if it weren't for me."

"Believe me I know that," Lawrence replied, incredulous.

"I want back in,” Robert stated, fighting a grin when Lawrence’s mouth went agape.

“I want my job back," Robert did grin, then, as Lawrence continued to stare at him, mouth open as if to respond but no words coming out.

"No!" he finally yelled, slamming his hands on his desktop.

"Yes," Robert replied, calmly.

They stared at each other for a long moment, and Robert felt his power over the situation increase with each passing second. Lawrence was desperate to be rid, and that gave Robert ALL the control.

"You are despicable, and disgusting, and I regret the day you came into our lives more than anything else in my entire life," Lawrence said quietly, as he fell back into his chair with a pitiful sort of resignation. Robert _almost_ felt sorry for him.

"Great. Shall I take this desk here?" Robert gestured towards the one with all the family photos on top. He saw Lawrence wince out of the corner of his eye.

Taking a few steps towards the desk, Robert reached out and lifted the framed photo of the family on a beach.

“Your daughters really are gorgeous. It’s a wonder how _you_ managed to father them-,” Robert snidely commented before suddenly Lawrence was beside him, ripping the frame out of his hands and shoving Robert away. Caught off guard, Robert stumbled back, barely recovering his composure before he offered a sad smile, shaking his head.

Lawrence stood, the photo gripped tightly in hands that were shaking with obvious, seething anger.

"Careful. Don't want your heart to give out on you," Robert said lightly, smirking as he adjusted his jacket.

"I see prison taught you nothing. You're still the same manipulative, bitter, angry, self-obsessed, insecure chancer you always were. I just thank God Chrissie was spared being tied to you."

Robert absorbed Lawrence's tirade with minimal affect. He knew what he'd learned about himself in prison; he knew what he'd suffered and who he'd hurt. He knew who was worth the effort of earning forgiveness and who wasn’t.

Chrissie was on the list of those he’d hurt, but near the end, and not someone he was in the least worried about forgiving him. There were many others who’d been hurt in more lasting, tragic ways. And those people deserved Robert’s apologies. Whether Robert would earn forgiveness from them was another matter altogether.

"I don't want you anywhere near my company, or my family," Lawrence growled, moving back to his desk and violently tearing open a drawer, pulling out a chequebook. He scribbled quickly then tore the paper and held it out to Robert.

"I think this will more than compensate you."

Robert stared at Lawrence for a beat before allowing his eyes to settle on the hastily scribbled number.... £500,000.

Half a million pounds.

Robert controlled his expression while inwardly grinning; he'd come willing to take half that.

Robert eyed the cheque for longer than was really necessary, just to watch Lawrence squirm and just to plant a tiny seed of doubt in his mind before he finally reached out and took it.

"We're done. I'll have a messenger send over the papers for you to sign, officially dissolving your involvement with Home Farm and anything else to do with my family," Lawrence said, an air of smugness in his tone.

Robert smiled and nodded, pocketing the cheque. He knew Lawrence thought he’d won…but Robert had come here fully knowing this was the outcome he wanted, and so he was not fazed by Lawrence’s shift in attitude.

"Whatever you say Lawrence," Robert turned and moved towards the door, pausing there with his hand on the knob, "I want you know, though, I would have settled for two hundred fifty thousand."

* * *

The following day, Robert headed to David’s at the behest of Victoria, sighing inwardly when he saw Chas and Belle standing at the counter. There was no one else in the shop, and Robert knew if Chas saw him she'd say something. Deciding it best to come back later, he was about to turn tail when David spotted him and called out a casual hello. Robert nodded in greeting as Chas and Belle both turned to look, the expressions on their faces betraying their disgust and sadness, respectively.

Biting the bullet, having been seen, Robert walked further into the shop to get the few things Vic had put on her list. He did his best to ignore the glaring women, whose stares he could feel drilling into him. They were like daggers in his back, constant. He knew Chas was watching him move around the store.

"Did I tell you? I think Aaron's got someone on the line," Chas said, suddenly and a little too loudly not for it to be simply for Robert's benefit.

And, even though he doubted the validity of the statement, it had the certain intended effect and Robert felt some of the air leave his lungs even as his ears perked up.

"Does he?" Belle questioned, sounding honestly excited.

"Yeah," Chas paused and Robert could hear the smug grin in her voice, knowing she was likely staring at the back of his head as she spoke, "he's been going out nearly every night, coming back late. Don't know what else it could be but a new fella."

Belle laughed lightly, “He deserves to have some fun."

Robert felt sick, even as he pretended not to be affected by the idle gossip he wasn't sure was even true. The various cuts of fish in the cooler made him even more nauseated as he just stared at the limited selection. Even if it wasn’t true – the thought of someone else getting to touch Aaron, getting to kiss him – it was nearly too much to handle. It was a very real fear Robert had not allowed himself to consider while he was locked up. He simply refused to believe Aaron could have seen, or been with, anyone else. He knew it was naive to think that way – but it was the only way Robert had been able to manage his time inside.

"He does deserve it. He deserves someone who puts him first; treats him right," Chas said and Robert felt the words as intended; deliberate and intentional jabs that hit at the center of all that had been wrong with their relationship before. Robert had never put Aaron first, or treated him right. He was very aware of how badly he’d behaved towards Aaron.

Chas certainly knew where to hurt him the most...

"Here ya go, ladies," David said then, and Robert heard bags being lifted and adjusted. Still he refused to turn around.

"Ta," Chas called, and Robert could feel the stifling shadow of her presence recede as she and Belle left the shop.

"Can I help ya find something specific?" David said, appearing suddenly to Robert's right, startling him.

"Huh? Oh, uh, no, thanks," he replied, grabbing a random package of fish off the shelf, and cursing himself three hours later Victoria sent him back to the shop for the proper item.

**~~ February 2015 ~~**

_Robert wasn’t sure what he expected when he walked into the backroom of the Woolpack the day after Katie’s death. But he certainly hadn’t been prepared to see his whole family, and Chas and Aaron, sitting around the room in various states of grief. Andy sat on the small couch, curled into himself, while Vic and Diane sat on either side with arms around him. Chas was sat at the table, pile of wadded up tissues in front of her and Aaron beside her, stroking her back._

_They all turned to look when Robert came into the room._

_“Robert!” Diane, her eyes shifting to Andy before she stood and walked towards him, giving him an awkward embrace. Robert felt the eyes of everyone on him, and he fought the urge to look at Aaron…or Andy._

_“It’s just awful,” Diane said sniffling and Robert chanced a look to his brother. He hadn’t moved and was still sitting hunched over his knees, staring at the blank screen of the television, his face wet with tears._

_“Yeah,” Robert agreed, his voice a whisper._

_“What do you want?” Chas said, angrily, and Robert looked at her, catching Aaron’s eyes in the process and feeling his heart twist painfully at the look on his face; he was in obvious agony and Robert was appalled that no one else could see it – it seemed so obvious to him._

_“I wanted to see how Andy was doing,” Robert said automatically, his eyes moving back to his brother._

_“How do you think he’s doing?” Chas retorted, sounding angrier and Robert was grateful for Aaron’s low, hushed words that silenced her. He didn’t know what he’d said, but still Robert was grateful._

_“Andy?” Robert moved further into the room, watching his brother._

_“What do you want, Robert?” Andy responded, monotone and completely dejected._

_“I want to help you,” Robert said, and at that it was as if something inside Andy snapped and he whipped his head around to level a harsh, angry glare at Robert._

_“Why were you there with her? Why was she meeting you on your wedding day? Why do you always have to ruin my life?” Andy said, his voice rising with each question._

_Robert stared, shaking his head. He couldn’t avoid looking to Aaron, who was clenching his fists and staring at the table. Robert could see tears dripping from his cheeks onto the veneered surface and his heart twisted painfully again._

_“It wasn’t -,” Robert started, “I don’t-….it was an accident. I just found her.”_

_“Maybe you’d better just go?” Vic said, then, and Robert couldn’t help the wave of jealous anger that washed over him. They were all here choosing Andy over him again. And he knew it was cruel and unfair for him to think that way – his brother had just lost his wife – but he thought it nonetheless. He would never be anyone’s first choice. He would always be second-best to Andy._

_“Fine,” Robert sighed, “but if I can help with funeral expenses or anything else just ask.”_

_“Get out!” Andy stood suddenly and yelled, and Robert wasn’t the only one who started at the sudden outburst._

_“Yeah,” Robert backed away, eyes on the floor and when he bumped the door behind him he looked up and met Aaron’s gaze and for a brief moment he wanted nothing more than to rush to him and hold him. But the urge passed and Robert nodded before turning and leaving as quickly as possible, rushing back to the room he’d taken at the B &B. _

**~~ October 2015 ~~**

Robert tried to forget what Chas had said about Aaron, but he couldn't shake it off. The thought of Aaron seeing someone else had always been a distant fear to Robert, but now that Chas had planted the seed it was all he could think about.

How some other man was touching him, and kissing him, and getting to go to bed with him; how some other man was giving him the support, and care, and affection he deserved. It infuriated Robert, and distracted him from the business plan he was working on...so much so that after two days he'd only written 500 words and none of it made any sense.

Unable to take not knowing the truth, Robert cornered Vic in the Woolpack kitchen a few days later.

“How’re things here then?” Robert asked, perched on the stainless steel surface opposite where Vic was working, cutting vegetables.

“Okay, why?”

“Chas not harassing you? Ya know, because of me?”

“No more than usual,” Vic raised her eyes and smiled and Robert felt so much gratitude for the caring nature and forgiving heart of his sister. He was pretty sure he didn’t deserve her, and he also knew he’d be lost without her.

“Thank you,” Robert said suddenly.

“What for?”

“For being amazing. I couldn’t do this without you, you know. I don’t know where I’d be but I know it wouldn’t be a good place.”

“Robert,” Vic arched a brow looking worried.

“It’s fine. I’m fine. We’re all good,” Robert waved a hand, hoping his blasé attitude would assuage his sister’s concern.

“I overheard Chas in David’s the other day,” Robert started, trying really hard to sound casual and nonchalant, “she said Aaron’s been spending a lot of time out. Seeing a new bloke. Do you know anything about that?”

Vic laughed and shook her head, “why do you care?”

“I just want to make sure he’s not neglecting the business. It’s the only source of income I have right now and I can’t afford for it to go bust because he’s too busy staying out all night with some bloke,” Robert rattled off the lie and found it incredibly easy. He almost felt guilty for it, as he thought about the £500,000 he had in the bank and the appointment with the investment banker he’d made for the following week.

“He won’t neglect the business, Robert. It’s his livelihood too,” Vic replied without actually answering Robert’s question.

“Sure, but-,” Robert started but Vic cut him off.

“It’s fine! He and Adam are on top of things, there’s no need to worry.”

And with that, the conversation was over, and Robert felt no less uneasy that he might have lost his last chance to redeem himself in Aaron’s eyes.

* * *

Robert left Vic and the Woolpack feeling very dissatisfied with his digging expedition about Aaron. He felt more certain than before that there was nothing to Chas’s statements, that it had all been for show, but the tiny, miniscule chance it was true was enough to hound Robert every waking moment.

And so that was how he found himself at the scrapyard, under some false pretenses of needing financials to take to a bank meeting, trying to surreptitiously get more information out of Adam.

It had been a gamble, going to the scrapyard, but it only took him a moment to work out Aaron wasn’t there, to Robert’s relief.

“If you’d given me some more notice I coulda gotten the papers ready for ya,” Adam said, shifting a giant, rusted hunk of something into an open spot in the yard where he then proceeded to begin to pull it apart.

“And I would have, had I known,” Robert said, “but I do need to know that things are going well here. That’s there’s no distractions or, you know, problems.”

Adam, bent over the twisted piece of metal, raised his head and squinted at Robert with a confused look.

“What you going on about?”

“I’ve just heard talk that Aaron’s been out a lot. I want to be sure it’s not at the expense of the business.”

“Why would it be? A person can have a private life and run a successful business,” Adam resumed tearing pieces off the hunk of scrap.

“I know,” Robert said, a bit more defensively than he intended but it seemed Adam didn’t notice.

“Come back tomorrow and I’ll have that stuff put together for ya,” Adam grunted as he wrenched apart two large sections, the sounds of scraping metal piercing the air.

“Right, but-,” Robert started, but Adam shot him down.

“Look I gotta get this lot sorted. We’ve got a haul of old washers coming in and I need to make room so. Chat later, yeah?” Adam said, hands on his knees as he leveled a look at Robert, a look that barely hid his annoyance.

“Right. Yeah,” Robert sighed, leaving the yard with no clearer idea about if Aaron was indeed moving on, or not.

* * *

Two days later Robert still had no clear idea about what Aaron was doing, or thinking, or anything, and he couldn’t seem to find him no matter where he looked. He always seemed to ‘just miss’ him whenever he asked. It was doing his head in, this unanswered question. And Robert knew he had no right to even ask the questions or care about the answers – but he did. Because the only reason (or one of the very few reasons) he was still hanging around Emmerdale was for Aaron.

Because while it was true the gossip mill had mostly moved on from him, and while it was true that most people had stopped staring and whispering about him, the village was still the last place Robert wanted to be. It was the last place he ever thought would make him feel welcome, and a part of the community. So much had happened that he was blamed for (rightly and wrongly) and he just couldn’t imagine actually making a home there. But Robert would stay for Vic…and for Aaron. Or at least for as long as there might be a chance he could make things right with Aaron.

And then there was Andy. He’d not seen his brother since that night in the pub; he’d overheard Vic talking and apparently he was back living out at Butlers and would come to the village frequently to see his kids, and Diane and Vic. Robert was thankful he was, in a sense, barred from the pub as that meant no accidental encounters with his estranged brother. Robert and Andy still hadn’t had a proper confrontation over everything – not since Robert had been released – and whenever that might come Robert knew it was going to be big. He was in no rush to have that conversation.

Robert was sitting in the café, the business proposal he’d been attempting to work on open, but his stare was vacant and his thoughts somewhere else entirely when a shadow fell over him and stirred him from his daydreams. Looking up he was surprised to find Chas hovering over him, coffee in hand and an expression on her face that Robert wasn’t sure he could interpret.

“Chas,” Robert nodded then turned back to his work, startled to see that in the half hour he’d been sat there he’d only written three new sentences.

“I know,” Chas said then, softly and with a hint of resigned anger.

“You know? You know what?” Robert looked back up at her and shrugged; he knew she already knew about the affair so he wasn’t sure what else she could be talking about.

“Aaron,” she said, her eyes shifting to where Bob stood behind the counter, cleaning the cake display. The café was otherwise empty.

“Aaron?” Robert repeated, softly.

“I know he was there that day, with Katie. I know what his part was,” Chas added and Robert couldn’t help the surprise that surged through him and that certainly played out on his face.

They stared at each other for several long seconds.

“Then you know what I did to protect him,” Robert finally said, feeling a small bit of vindication for finally being acknowledged for how he protected Aaron. But he was surprised to find Chas wasn’t grateful – not in the traditional sense.

“Oh yeah, you protected him alright. But what about everything that came before that? The affair?” Chas said in an angry whisper that certainly carried because Bob looked up at them in that moment. Robert just nodded and smiled at him.

“Be quiet,” Robert hissed, watching as Bob directed his attention back to the display.

“You may have protected him from his part on that awful, awful day, but I’ll never forgive you for the way you treated him before that. My boy loved you and you tossed him aside like he was nothing. And he’s not nothing. He’s good, and loyal, and he deserves so much better than you.”

Robert took it, because he knew it was all true. He had been abysmal to Aaron before Katie’s accident – and a bit after as well. He’d played fast and loose with Aaron’s emotions and manipulated him for his own benefit and gain. But he wanted to be different now, and do it differently this time – if Aaron were to give him another chance. He wanted the chance to try at least.

“Just stay away,” Chas added, turning to go.

“Wait,” Robert stood and caught her arm, aware of the very brief flash of surprise (was it fear?) that crossed her face before she pulled her arm out of his loose grip.

“Just tell me,” Robert sighed, ignoring her reaction to his touch, “is Aaron really seeing someone else?”

Chas looked at him, a smile slowly forming on her face. A smile that didn’t reach her eyes and that betrayed her true feelings.

“You don’t deserve the truth, but no,” Chas said finally, turning and leaving the café just as Debbie and her kids came in.

Robert took that as a sign Andy might follow suit and so he picked up his laptop and quickly left. He would have to face Andy another day. Right now he was too focused on the hope that maybe there was still a slim chance he could regain Aaron’s trust, and earn his forgiveness after all.

**~~ February/March 2015 ~~**

_The day after the funeral Robert moved back into Home Farm._

_The day after he talked his brother back from suicide, he was settling in, making tea in the spacious kitchen._

_The day after he confessed to Aaron that he loved him, he was thinking about Chrissie and wondering when would be the right time to bring up setting a new date for the wedding._

_The first few days were awkward. While Robert was back living in the house, Chrissie had relegated him to a guest room – the one furthest away from her room. But Robert accepted it, and kept at working to get back into his proper place; back in her bed and back in the company. He was up before everyone else with breakfast and coffee ready every morning and he was last to leave the office each day. He even managed to land three new contracts in his first two days back on the job. He was last to sleep at night, doing the washing up after dinner and even attempting to bond more with Lachlan by offering to play some of his video games with him._

_He was very aware of Chrissie watching him every moment of each day, as Robert performed all these various tasks, and so he worked extra hard to make it seem casual; like it was second nature for him to blow away video game zombies on a television with a surly 15 year-old who barely tolerated him._

_But spending time with Lachlan got him back into Chrissie’s bed – even if all they did was a little heavy petting and kissing. It was progress, and Robert felt more certain than ever that by the end of the week he’d be back in Chrissie’s good graces, fully._

_The final act in Robert’s plan to reinstate himself into Home Farm and the White family was getting Chrissie the perfect gift to show his unwavering commitment. The reliable standby’s – jewelry and spa trips – seemed trite and expected. Robert needed to think of something new and exciting and unexpected to really earn his way back._

_So it was as he was eating lunch at his desk in the Home Farm office, brainstorming and researching various exotic holiday destinations, that Chrissie led the police officers, the ones who’d initially questioned him, in from the main house._

_“The police are here,” Chrissie stated, obviously, as she moved to stand behind Robert, her hand falling to his shoulder in a move that had Robert grinning inwardly. That was the moment he’d realized he’d already done it; he’d earned his place back. He felt certain this little police visit would lead directly to Chrissie taking him upstairs to bed and welcoming him back fully._

_“I can see,” Robert nodded as he slowly lowered the lid of the laptop, hoping Chrissie hadn’t seen the screen of island destinations he’d been looking up, “what do you need detectives?”_

_“We have a few follow up questions for you, Mr. Sugden,” the older of the two men said._

_“Great. Let’s hear it,” Robert crossed his arms expectantly, if not a bit defensively. Though, to be honest, after his initial breakdown in Chrissie’s arms, Robert had been, for the most part, able to compartmentalize the events of that day. He had managed to convince himself his story was true – at least he was able to believe it until he saw Andy or Aaron around the village._

_“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather do this in private?” the detective (Morris? Robert wasn’t sure of his name) asked._

_“Whatever you have to say you can say in front of her," Robert reached a hand up and placed it over Chrissie’s._

_“Very well,” the detective (Morrison?) said, “we’re conducting further investigations into the death of Katie Sugden as some of the circumstances surrounding her death have resulted in more questions.”_

_As the detective spoke, Robert felt the icy grip of fear seize his chest, though he maintained his casual expression. At least he hoped he was._

_“We are here to formally inform you that you are a person of interest in this further investigation,” he added, just as the office door opened and Lawrence came in._

_It wasn’t lost on Robert that Chrissie had pulled her hand away from his shoulder, just as the detective stopped speaking._

_“You what?” Lawrence said, his face betraying appropriate horror at what he’d just overheard._

_“Don’t leave the village Mr. Sugden. We will be contacting you for further interviews. We’ll see ourselves out,” the detective (Masterson! Robert finally recalled, bitterly) nodded to the three of them in turn and then he and his silent, younger partner exited the office the way they had come in._

_“What did you do?” Lawrence turned on Robert, his voice bellowing._

_“Nothing!” Robert exclaimed, playing the victim even as his mind was racing over all the events of that day; all the various avenues of investigation they could go down, including…Aaron. Aaron and that damn text message!_

_But…Robert had deleted it from her phone? Was that enough? He wasn’t so sure anymore…_

_Robert stood, suddenly panicked and suddenly needing to go talk to Aaron immediately._

_“Did you kill her?” Chrissie said, then, her voice cracking and tears in her eyes._

_Robert turned to her and for the first time since he’d met her, he felt nothing. No guilt for her pain, no shame for how he’d cheated on her over and over and with so many different people. No love for what they once shared or what he had thought he still wanted with her. He felt absolutely nothing but a driving need to get to Aaron as quickly as possible. It was in that moment that he knew he couldn’t marry her._

_“No,” he responded, shaking his head like it was a ridiculous question to ask._

_“Then what were you doing up there,” Lawrence said, his voice a low, threatening tone that Robert hadn’t heard before._

_“I told you, she wanted to meet and discuss the farm sale,” Robert looked between the two of them, Chrissie having moved to stand next to her father as he put an arm around her shoulders._

_In that moment Robert knew he had lost Home Farm, and lost the Whites, probably for good. But he also found he didn’t care in the slightest. In fact, he felt an odd sense of relief._

_“Yeah, you did tell us that,” Lawrence replied and Robert could see in their faces – they thought he’d killed her._

_“It’s the truth,” Robert pleaded, not sure how everything had spiraled out of control so fast._

_“So you say,” Lawrence added._

_“It doesn’t matter what you think,” Robert shook his head and moved towards the door that led out to the side of the house where his car was parked. He was already wearing his leather jacket – the Home Farm office always a bit chilly – and he could feel the weight of his car key in the pocket._

_“Where do you think you’re going?” Lawrence questioned._

_“I’ve got to go take care of something,” Robert said, hand resting on the door handle._

_“If you leave now, don’t bother coming back,” Chrissie took a few steps forward and leveled a hard gaze at Robert._

_“We need to talk about this, figure out what we’re going to do. We’re supposed to be in this together. We’re supposed to be a family,” she added and Robert stared at her for a long moment as he reconciled feelings he’d been fighting, realizing too late and knowing his stubborn refusal to see what had been in front of him had cost Katie her life, and might have cost him Aaron, too._

_But Robert didn’t want Chrissie. Or Home Farm. And he didn’t care that he wouldn’t be welcome back. The relief at having that realization was incredible, and Robert simply shrugged and walked out the door._

_He needed to see Aaron_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm taking creative liberties with how British laws might work regarding business ownership and incarceration. 
> 
> As always thank you for reading.


	5. Black and Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is not the best time to be reading and/or writing angst. There's more than enough of that on the show itself. But...that's all this story is. Pure angst. Constant angst. But I hope anyone is still reading and can still enjoy this for what it is.

**~~ November 2015 ~~**

Aaron chucked the last piece off the truck and grinned widely at Adam. They’d just made nearly a thousand pounds for an hour’s worth of work and Aaron was buzzing.

“Not bad for an hour’s graft,” Aaron laughed as he hopped down from the bed of the truck and tossed his leather work gloves into the open door of the portacabin.

“Yeah, remind me to thank Paddy next time we see him,” Adam smiled and followed suit, throwing his gloves in the portacabin where they landed in a heap on top of Aaron’s.

Paddy had given Aaron’s name to a vet colleague in Hotten, who had spread the word around and so when Aaron had gotten a call to pick up a giant haul of old veterinary equipment, he and Adam had happily driven the circuit of tens of miles to collect the haul from the various clinics around the area. An hour and a whopping pile of scrap later they were many, many hundreds flush, at least they would be when they sold it to their contact. It was one of the bigger jobs they’d had, and they both hoped it was a positive sign for the future of the business.

“I think we earned a break,” Adam added, shrugging out of his high-vis vest and adding it to the pile of gloves.

“Caff?”

Aaron offered a half shrug and a grin and after tossing his vest onto the pile he locked the portacabin and they headed towards the café, laughing all the way.

They were still laughing and joking when they’d walked into the café; it was just past 10am, and so they were surprised to find the place as busy as it was. Leyla and what looked to be some clients had taken over one corner of the small café. A group of pensioners Aaron didn’t recognize were gathered on the sofa and chairs near the counter. And Robert and Victoria were sitting together on the other sofa, all smiles as they looked up when Aaron and Adam entered.

Aaron, who hadn’t seen Robert for near six weeks, felt his breath leave his lungs in an invisible gut punch. His stomach turned and his heart fluttered and he could see on Robert’s face that he was feeling the same surprise reaction. As Aaron caught his breath he felt a flush start to creep up his neck and he grimaced even as Adam surged past him and planted several kisses on his wife.

“What’re’ya doing here? I thought Marlon had you tied up in the kitchen all day today?” Adam kissed Vic again before inserting himself in the space on the narrow sofa between her and Robert.

Aaron watched as Robert scowled, then stood and moved to one of the armchairs opposite. He would have laughed…but he felt exposed and uneasy and even as he tried to avoid Robert’s glances he also found he just couldn’t. They both kept stealing looks; eyes darting from Adam and Vic and back to each other. Thankfully the Barton’s were too wrapped up in each other to bother with paying much attention to the awkwardness that was emanating from Robert and Aaron.

“Get us a coffee, eh?” Adam finally turned his attention away from his wife to grin cheekily at Aaron, who just huffed in response before heading to the counter.

While Aaron stood, waiting for Bob to get their coffee’s ready, he felt more then heard Robert come up behind him.

“I’m sorry,” Robert’s voice said, quietly and softly. Sincerely, it even seemed.

“I can go,” he added and Aaron sighed, closing his eyes before turning to look over his shoulder at the other man.

“I can handle a few minutes while we have a coffee,” Aaron said with snarky intentions though it came out sounding more sad than biting.

“Yeah, sure,” Robert offered a tiny smile and Aaron’s heart twisted.

Turning back to Bob, Aaron paid and thanked him for the drinks, carrying them back to where Adam and Vic were sitting together, hands all over each other as if they hadn’t just seen each other a few hours earlier.

Aaron set the coffees down a little harder than was necessary, causing some to spill onto the low table.

“Alright, mate?” Adam asked, smiling but furrowing his brow as he reached out for the mug nearest him.

“Never better,” Aaron responded as neutrally as he could, eyes moving to where Robert stood at the counter, also casting furtive glances back towards Aaron.

From this distance, Aaron could see the physical changes in Robert that he’d been unwilling or unable to see before. His hair was a bit longer in the back, catching on the collar of his jacket, and his cheeks were gaunt, and his skin a bit pasty than Aaron recalled. In fact overall he seemed thinner, his jacket looked a little too bit, and his jeans were hanging low off his hips, looser than Aaron recalled. The fullness of Robert’s glorious rear lost in the excess fabric.

Robert turned just then, and Aaron looked away quickly, casting his eyes down to his hands before he leaned forward and gripped his own mug. Not that it mattered, he was almost certain Robert had caught him staring.

Aaron fought the urge to look up when Robert returned to sit in the armchair next to him, instead staring at his best friend as he rested a hand high up on Victoria’s thigh, his thumb stroking her leg seemingly absently as the two shared a quiet joke that had them both grinning stupidly at each other.

It was lovely to see, and incredibly painful.

Robert was not quite a foot away, yet seemingly miles away. And Aaron, though he would never admit it out loud to anyone ever, longed for Robert’s touch on him just like what he was witnessing from Adam and Vic. It hurt. It hurt because Aaron knew it would never happen. He couldn’t risk going back there with Robert; he didn’t trust that Robert wouldn’t hurt him again. Never mind the fact that Robert was still in the closet. No one but his mum and Paddy knew about the affair, and Aaron couldn’t imagine Robert was any more comfortable now with his sexuality then he’d been before.

Aaron gnawed at his lower lip, head hung low and eyes downcast when he hazarded a sideways glance at Robert.

He was surprised to find Robert’s bright eyes looking back at him in a quite open, telling way. Robert had never looked at Aaron like this in public before, and look stole Aaron’s breath for a brief moment.

“We should go out,” Adam said then, reaching across the table and hitting Aaron’s knee and bringing him back to the present.

“Celebrate a job well done,” he grinned and a startled Aaron forced a smile back.

“You know the key to making a successful business, is to work at that business so you can make more money,” Robert said, then, and Aaron watched as Adam’s smile fell and his brow furrowed.

“Yeah, yeah,” he leaned back against the sofa, Vic settling into his side with a smirk.

“That’s my brother, ever the realistic businessman,” Vic smiled.

“I do have a stake in the success of the scrapyard,” Robert said, his tone condescending, as if any of them would or could forget Robert’s involvement.

“Yes, we all know,” Aaron mumbled catching out of the corner of his eye the sharp look Robert threw at him.

“But maybe we should all go out? What do you say?” Vic replied, cheerily.

Aaron resisted looking to Robert, and instead began picking at his hangnails.

“C’mon? What do you think?”

“Him and all?” Adam asked and Aaron knew he was indicating to Robert.

“Yes, him and all,” Vic’s voice retorted with a flair of attitude and Aaron smiled to himself when heard Vic slap Adam’s side.

“Gee, thanks,” Robert grumbled under his breath and Aaron couldn’t help the small chuckle that escaped his lips. He saw a quick turn of the head from Robert at the sound, but before he could say anything more he was sobered by door to the café opening and his mother’s sharp tone.

“Isn’t this cosy,” she stood just inside the door, looking at the four of them with a strained grin. When Aaron looked up and met her eyes he felt her palpable hostility and anger seep into his bones and warp around his body.

“We’re just celebrating a good day,” Aaron replied, cautious and aware of Robert watching at him.

“You’re looking at two successful businessmen, Chas,” Adam chimed in, unaware of the undercurrent of chill; unaware of all the various additional reasons Chas had to be upset and angry that Aaron was anywhere near Robert.

“Hmmmm,” she nodded and hummed with a tight-lipped smile. Aaron watched her eyes move over the group…except for Robert.

“Businesses tend to flourish when you actually spend time working,” she added with a snarky quirk of her head.

“Robert said the same thing,” Adam laughed before his face fell as he seemed to realize what he’d just said – that he’d compared Chas to Robert, a man who had just been released from prison for killing Chas’s best friend. His face drained of color and he sat up, shaking his head.

“Oh I didn’t mean it like that. Sorry, Chas.”

Aaron, his stomach twisting and turning and tied up in knots since they’d walked into the café, set his nearly full mug down hard on the table and stood up quickly.

“Best get back,” he said to Adam.

“Oi! What about going out tonight?” Vic called out after them as Adam followed Aaron out the door.

* * *

“Vic really wants us all to go out tonight,” Adam said, pocketing his phone after another break in the workday to deal with another flurry of text messages. It’d been a few hours since the café, and most of the cleanup work was done from the big job earlier, even if they’d had to take several breaks because Vic wouldn’t stop bugging Adam about going out to celebrate.

“Hmph,” Aaron grunted, staring at his own phone as he leaned lazily against the wall of the portacabin.

“Oi! You listening to me?”

“Hmm? Yeah,” Aaron looked up from his phone to find Adam staring at him with wide-eyes.

“What’s so flaming interesting on that phone? You got someone on the line you ain’t telling me about?” Adam teased and Aaron just shook his head, pocketing his device and pulling on his work gloves in time to help Adam shift one last piece of scrap.

It had been a text from his mum…or rather several texts. All of them making various arguments as to why he should NOT go out with Robert – even in a group. Not that Aaron had even considered actually going out, or that any real plans had been made. But with Vic leading the charge he felt certain that she had something in mind and it was now up to Aaron to think of a creative excuse not to go. An excuse Vic would believe.

“You’ve been on your phone all flippin’ afternoon so I don’t want to hear anything from you,” Aaron responded back, to the amusement of Adam.

“I reckon Vic’s gonna drag us out tonight,” Adam laughed, “though out might just mean some drinks at the pub. But I feel like she might want to go to a club. Can you imagine Robert at a club? Dancing?”

Adam laughed loudly, and Aaron feigned amusement. He couldn’t imagine it, but the idea of it didn’t make him laugh like it did Adam. It just made him sad.

“What’s up with you?”

“I’m really not up for it. Going out,” Aaron said, and Adam nodded.

“Because of Robert,” he said and Aaron felt a momentary flash of panic and surprise before he realized what Adam was saying was nothing to do with the affair, or Katie…well, it was sort of to do with Katie.

“I just don’t want the aggro from my mum,” Aaron shrugged, picking a thread that could stand up to Vic’s insistent nature.

“I know, mate. I get it,” he clapped Aaron on the back, “though I’d much rather tell Vic that we should leave Robert at home instead. But she’d never go for that.”

“It’s fine. You should go,” Aaron insisted, plastering a false smile on his face and hoping Adam was distracted enough to buy it.

“Yeah. I dunno. That Robert…I know he’s her brother and all but,” Adam groaned, “I wish he’d just do one.”

Aaron didn’t trust himself to provide any sort of response.

* * *

They locked up the scrapyard a few hours later and walked back to the village making random small talk all the way back. Saying goodbye at the café, Adam headed home and Aaron headed to the pub. He’d managed to convince Adam that going out would be a bad idea, and he could only hope either Vic had dropped the idea, or could be persuaded by Adam that Aaron was better off not rocking the boat with his mum.

He should have been better prepared for the wrath of his mother, though.

“What’s this I hear about you going out tonight with _him_?” Chas pounced on him the moment he walked through to the back room. Diane was out front minding the bar, the place quiet for the moment with only a few tourists at a table in the back.

“Mum-,” Aaron started, the tension from the upcoming argument already tightening up his neck and shoulders.

“No. Aaron, he’s bad news. Bad, bad news. I thought you’d know that by now,” Chas stood from the table and crossed her arms, her lips set in a thin line as she scowled at him.

“I’m not going out. Not with him; not with anyone. Just relax,” Aaron replied, not trying too hard to mask his frustration.

“And even if I was, it’s my business. Not yours,” he added angrily before turning and heading out the other door and up the stairs.

“I’m just trying to look out for you, love!” Chas’s voice carried behind him.

**_~~ March 2015 ~~_ **

_“…and did you know the nature of their relationship?”_

_Aaron stopped, halfway through the door to the back room when he realized the voices he heard were the police, and they were questioning his mum._

_“Hiya love,” Chas smiled in an obvious (to Aaron anyway) attempt to look and sound casual, though it didn’t reach her eyes._

_“My son,” she said to the policeman who sat opposite her at the small table._

_“Did you know the deceased? Katie Sugden?” the officer turned to Aaron and asked._

_“Uh, yeah,” Aaron swallowed hard and slowly closed the door behind him before taking a few more steps into the room._

_“Were you aware of the nature of the relationship between Robert Sugden and Katie Sugden?” the officer then asked, and Aaron’s mouth went dry._

_“Not really,” he shook his head, “no.”_

_“They weren’t friends. Robert and Katie I mean,” Chas said, “they had been in love, ages ago. But then Katie chose Andy – that’s Robert’s brother – over Robert and I don’t know if he ever got over that. Robert has had a longstanding grudge against Andy for it.”_

_“Mum,” Aaron moved a few more steps into the room, unsure why he still felt the need to stand up for, to defend, Robert._

_“What? It’s true. Diane as much as admitted it to me. I’ve heard quite a few stories about how Robert was always trying to get Andy in trouble. Or trying to mess up Andy’s life. He’s not a good person.”_

_The policeman looked from Chas to Aaron as if seeking confirmation. Aaron said nothing in response, simply stared back at the officer while avoiding his mother’s pointed gaze. He didn’t believe that about Robert – at least not entirely. Sure, he and Andy were hardly close but Aaron just couldn’t believe Robert was so petty, and so evil, as to purposefully kill Katie just to get to Andy._

_“Right. Well, thank you for your time, Ms. Dingle,” the policeman closed his notebook and stood, nodding to Aaron before exiting out the back door._

_The backroom fell into silence as Aaron and Chas both stared at the door through which the policeman just left._

_“I think he’s in real trouble,” Chas said softly, looking at Aaron with a sort of happy, but sad, smile._

_“Yeah,” Aaron nodded, shuffling on his feet, the bag he was holding in his hands crinkling and bringing attention to itself._

_“What’s that?” Chas asked, noticing the bag in Aaron’s hand._

_“Oh, I lost my phone,” Aaron lied, so easily it was a bit shocking. In truth, Robert had taken his phone the day before._

_“Again?” Chas moved to put the two mugs that were on the table, in the sink._

_“Yeah,” Aaron laughed, hoping it sounded natural, and feeling relief as his mum just shook her head at him as she moved past him, back out to behind the bar where Diane was currently working alone._

_Later that night, when Aaron took the rubbish out to the bins, he was startled by Robert’s voice coming out of the darkness._

_“Aaron.”_

_“What’re you doing here,” Aaron said, his voice low._

_“I heard the police came ‘round,” Robert replied, emerging from the shadows. He was still wearing his leather jacket, but at least had a scarf and beanie on to combat the cold night._

_“Yeah. Talked to my mum,” Aaron answered, crossing his arms and glancing at the door to the backroom, which was slightly ajar and awaiting Aaron’s return to the warmth._

_Robert nodded, looking at his feet._

_“What do you want, Robert,” Aaron asked brusquely._

_“I just-,” Robert sighed and a cloud of moisture rose from his mouth, “I dunno.”_

_“Well figure it out,” Aaron rebuffed, harshly._

_“They’ve called me in for a formal interview tomorrow,” Robert said, and Aaron heard a tinge of fear in his voice._

_“They think I killed her. On purpose. But it was an accident. She fell,” Robert seemed desperate for Aaron to believe him._

_Aaron stared at Robert, conflicted. The part of him that loved and desired Robert wanted to rush forward and pull him close and whisper words of comfort. But the other part of him – the part that was angry and ashamed – wanted to turn his back and forget he’d ever known him. The mix of contrasting thoughts left Aaron feeling frustrated and confused and so he lashed out._

_“What do you want me to do about it?”_

_He felt angrier, the more he thought about what Robert was doing to him. Dragging him into this mess, and using him to try and feel better. Did Robert not know or understand that Aaron had his own fears and guilt to deal with? That Aaron had to reconcile the fact he had brought Katie to that place only for her to die there?_

_“I just -,” Robert started, but Aaron cut him off, blinded by his anger and rage._

_“You just what? Thought you could come here and I’d open my arms and tell you it’ll all be okay. That no one will ever know what a sneaky, deceitful, manipulative little bastard you are?”_

_Robert’s eyes were wide and his mouth hung slightly agape. Aaron saw, but took no notice. He was on a roll and it felt oh so good to just let it all out._

_“I hate you for what you’ve done, and what you’ve made me do. I’m lying to my mum, to my best mate, to everyone! Do you even care? Do you care about anyone other than yourself? Your brother lost his wife, does that matter to you? We,” Aaron moved closer to Robert so he could jab his finger into his chest as he pointed between them, “are responsible for taking a life. Am I supposed to care more about you in this scenario than my mum’s pain, or even my own guilt? I have to live with my part in this forever.”_

_“I -,” Robert started but Aaron backed away shaking his head._

_“No. I don’t want to hear anything more from you. I mean it, Robert. I hate you for this. I don’t want to see you, or talk to you, or hear mention of your name ever again,” Aaron was near the door now, the sliver of light from inside the landing cutting across his face._

_“Just get lost,” Aaron added, turning and going inside, shutting the door on Robert and feeling for the first time like he’d finally done something right._

**~~ November 2015 ~~**

Another morning, another attempt from Chas to persuade Aaron to ditch all ties to Robert. It was becoming a tired and repetitive mantra, and one Aaron was very, very quickly losing all patience with listening to. He knew, better than most, what Robert was like. Aaron had witnessed, firsthand, the way Robert had manipulated and played Chrissie all while he was having an affair with Aaron.

Aaron didn’t need his mum constantly harping on him about it. He hardly saw Robert anyway. They’d gone more than a month without catching sight of each other, and had barely exchanged a few words since then. He didn’t know what his mum was so worried for – catching them sitting together in the café had sent her into a tailspin it would seem, and Aaron had no patience for her carrying on. He was determined never to go back there – no matter how much he missed Robert’s touch; no matter how much he still really loved him; no matter how he still had dreams about him; no matter how yesterday he caught himself admiring Robert’s bright eyes, or the constellations of freckles across the bridge of his nose.

In the end Aaron knew Robert was not good for him – and whether his mum believed it or not, Aaron was trying to do what was best for himself; or what he believed was best – which was moving on. He’d been marginally successful. The running seemed to be under control, and now that his mum knew about his involvement with Katie’s death, Aaron felt more like his old self then he had in a long time, and it was naught to do with Robert. He just wished he had the presence of mind, and the patience, to explain all this to his mum.

At the scrapyard later that morning, Aaron basked in the quiet. Adam had gone out on a run, and left Aaron alone. It was nice, not having to listen to the incessant chatter and near constant complaining from Adam about Robert living with he and Vic.

Aaron was busy organizing various piles of metal when a car pulled in. Turning to see who the visitor was Aaron felt his heart skip a beat and his stomach clench as Robert climbed awkwardly out of his Porsche.

“What do you want,” Aaron said, as detached as he could manage.

“Nice to see you, too,” Robert smiled, casually sauntering closer.

Aaron narrowed his eyes; this was a new and different mood then what Aaron had witnessed before. Or at least since Robert’s release. Yesterday’s café encounter had seemed to embolden him. Aaron wasn’t sure he liked that idea.

“So? What do you want?” Aaron asked again, feeling both annoyed and curious and hating how much Robert still threw him off kilter.

There was so much between them that was unsaid; so many unanswered questions and even more that had gone unasked. Half the time Aaron didn’t know whether he loved the man, or hated him, or was indifferent to him. And even when he did know, he had everyone in his life telling him he should be feeling opposite. He could only imagine the chaos that would ensue were everyone to find out about their romantic entanglement.

“I just wanted to see you were alright,” Robert’s expression softened, “yesterday after you and Adam left, Chas threw me a whole series of nasty stares. If Vic hadn’t been there I shudder to think what she’d have actually said to me.”

Aaron nodded. His mum had no qualms about expressing herself – she probably would have announced to the whole café about Robert and Aaron’s affair.

“Well I’m fine,” Aaron answered succinctly, “you can go now.”

But Robert didn’t go, and while any other time Aaron might have been somewhat enamored of Robert’s stubborn refusal to give up – to keep coming back to Aaron and to keep working to make things right – this wasn’t one of those times.

“I was hoping we could talk,” Robert said, when Aaron leveled an expectant look at him, “we really haven’t had a proper talk since…since I’ve been back.”

“Since you’ve been back,” Aaron repeated, chuckling softly but without any true humor; that was an understatement for Robert’s absence if ever there was one.

“I’ve missed you,” Robert said and for whatever reason – maybe it was lingering annoyance from his mum; maybe it was pent up sexual frustration from seeing Robert around; maybe he was just in a really bad mood – but Aaron snapped.

“You killed Katie, than spent weeks trying to manipulate me and coerce me to lie for you and then you come here and tell me you’ve missed me?” Aaron had his hands on his hips; he was incredulous.

“You know, not that you deserve to know this, but I’ve missed you too,” Aaron scratched at his brow and looked off in the distance, over Robert’s left shoulder, “I really have. But I also miss my mum being happy. And I miss not feeling like the scum of the earth. Wrapped up in this guilt and not really able to comfort my family, or my friends. Andy.”

Robert stared, a light flush creeping into his cheeks.

“Aaron-,” Robert started, confusion evident in his tone and in his expression.

“No. Just stop, Robert. The moment I met you, you threw my world askew, and I don’t mean that in a good way. Nothing’s ever simple, or easy with you. You’re hard. Hard to deal with, hard to be with, hard to care for,” Aaron paused, surprising even himself with the things he was saying.

“So you regret me?” Robert asked, the words coming out in a short, clipped cadence.

“I dunno,” Aaron shrugged…and lied. He didn’t regret Robert, but he’d committed to this and he was too proud to backtrack.

Robert laughed mirthlessly, looking around the scrapyard and shaking his head.

“I guess I’ve been operating under a false expectation,” Robert scowled, and Aaron felt a flash of sympathy.

He didn’t want to hurt Robert, not really. Aaron just needed more space…to figure out what he really wanted. He needed to figure out how to reconcile the Robert from before with the Robert of now.

“Chas, the other day, tried to make like you were seeing someone new. Said things that I overheard in the hopes I’d leave you alone, I guess,” Robert looked mad, but there was a wetness to his eyes that surprised Aaron, in addition to this news about his mum.

“I confronted her about it and she admitted she lied, but I feel like a fool anyway,” Robert shrugged, lips pursed tight, “because I haven’t given up on you. I spent those months in prison hanging on to any little bit of hope of seeing you and being with you again.”

“You’re not even out!” Aaron said loudly and with exasperation.

“How am I supposed to take you seriously when you still can’t even admit who you really are?”

“I guess I should have spent that time planning and hoping for other things,” Robert added seemingly ignoring what Aaron had just said, and Aaron felt a flash of anger.

“That’s not on me,” he said, “and I won’t let you guilt-trip me for things you did. You did kill Katie. You served the time for it.”

“Yeah but it wasn’t entirely all my fault now, was it,” Robert snapped and Aaron felt a wave of heated anger swell.

“Fuck you,” Aaron growled.

“No,” Robert shook his head, “No! I protected you!” Robert yelled, truly angry now.

“You protected yourself,” Aaron spat back, his face red and his eyes betraying the very real hatred he felt in that moment. Yes, he loved Robert and probably always would, but Aaron also hated him and the power he still held over him.

“No-,” Robert started but Aaron cut him off.

“Yes. You protected yourself and your fantasy life with Chrissie. That’s all you ever said you wanted. But it’s all gone now so why are you still here?” Aaron yelled.

“I’m still here because of you!” Robert angrily replied.

“Me?” Aaron scoffed, shaking his head, disbelieving. Robert wouldn’t be treating him this way if he were still here for him.

“Yes. You,” Robert said, seeming incredulous.

“And yeah, I lost Chrissie, but I don’t care. Chrissie, that family, they mean nothing to me. Absolutely nothing,” Robert’s tone was pleading.

Aaron scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“Plus, I’m still protecting you. What do you think everyone would say if they knew the real reason Katie was at Wylie’s that day? If they all knew you were the reason she was even there?” Robert replied his face red with anger and his tone turning bitter and nasty.

“Go ahead and tell them. Tell everyone. It’d be better than you thinking you’re owed something from me. Because I owe you nothing!” Aaron exclaimed, choosing to ignore what Robert had said about being in the village for Aaron. It was easier to ignore it than to admit he liked it. That the idea that Robert was pining for him, hanging around just hoping for something from him…Aaron felt power in that knowledge. Like he finally had some control over where things went, instead of before, when he’d been at the whims of Robert.

“Aaron, I love you,” Robert said, moving closer and his voice low and pleading.

“Love?” Aaron laughed and watched as Robert’s expression blanked and he took a step back.

“You don’t know what love is,” Aaron leaned forward and practically spat the words at Robert, relishing the registration of surprise and sadness that briefly crossed Robert’s face.

“You’re wrong,” Robert said, his tone surprisingly calm.

“Love is confessing guilt to a crime solely for the purpose of diverting attention from you. I plead guilty to spare you,” Robert added, his jaw clenching and Aaron felt a wave of surprise before finding offense in Robert’s choice of words.

“To spare me? Like I’m some wilting flower that can’t take care of myself?” Aaron wanted to be offended, and on some level he was, but he was also moved by the thought of Robert thinking of him, and covering for him. The only other person in his life who’d do that for him, aside from his family, was Adam.

“I know you. Who you are, what you do,” Robert’s eyes flitted to Aaron’s torso, the unspoken reference to his scars hanging in the air between them. “I knew what prison would do to you. Or rather what you’d do to yourself there.”

Aaron’s mouth hung slightly open as Robert sneered at him. Gone was the man who was desperately trying to get back into Aaron’s good graces. In his place was a vicious facsimile of that man – they looked the same on the outside, but what came from his mouth was unexpected.

“I knew your family would abandon you if they knew. They all loved Katie – probably more than you. She wasn’t a damaged, self-harming, emotionally unstable wreck of a person,” Robert sneered again, “if they knew you’d been involved they’d have hung you out to dry.”

“You need to go,” Aaron growled, fists at his side, clenched tight. He was using all his willpower not to take a swing at Robert.

“Go? Yeah. Fine. I’ll go,” Robert laughed and it had a nasty, evil sound, “I’m done letting you walk all over me and treat me like I’m nothing. Just remember the only reason you are here, living life a free man with your family all around you is because _I_ protected you. So yeah, you do owe me. But you know what? Call it a freebie. I may have endured hell in prison, but you got to live out here in the free world as if nothing had ever happened and that’s on me. But don’t think I’ll ever protect you like that again.”

Robert’s eyes traveled up and down Aaron’s body as he laughed again, “I don’t know what I ever saw in you in the first place.”

Aaron watched Robert leave, part of him blindly raging at the awful things he’d said, the other part of him shocked at how quickly the argument had escalated between them.

Not quite twenty minutes later, Adam showed up with a haul of twisted metal and Aaron took the opportunity to escape. He threw a half-hearted excuse at Adam and then rushed off before his friend could ask him any questions.

Aaron was so angry. Robert had never spoken to him like that before, and it hurt. Not just because the things he’d said were nasty and disgusting, but because he probably did think that way. Robert probably did think Aaron weak, and pathetic, and damaged. Which begged the question of why did he get involved with him in the first place? And if he really thought that way about Aaron, did he ever actually love him? Robert had admitted his feelings twice now. Once the night they’d talked Andy back from the quarry edge, and once today. Both times were emotionally charged situations…had Robert simply been manipulating Aaron by saying those words?

He thought he might be sick.

Every single moment they had together was now coming into question. All the tender moments, and shared laughter, and quiet cuddles in hotel room beds were under suspicion. Surely Robert had to have felt more for him then just lust and pity to go to those lengths…right?

Aaron, back at the Woolpack, paced his bedroom as he recalled every moment and conversation and shared glance. He’d been convinced, since around Christmas, that Robert felt more for him than just physical attraction. And Aaron had known since around Thanksgiving that he was falling in love with Robert.

But now? It just didn’t add up – Robert’s actions didn’t match his words. Yet Aaron could not afford to think Robert didn’t mean what he’d said. They weren’t together, they weren’t even close to getting back together, so why would he go to such lengths to be so cruel if he didn’t mean it?

Aaron kicked his bedframe causing the entire piece to shift several inches.

Ten minutes later he was dressed in his running gear and out the door.

The sun was already low in the sky when Aaron set out, and by the time he decided to turn around and head back it was long since set. There was no moon and so the night was dark. Clouds blotted out most of the stars, and Aaron had only his memory and the very little bit of ambient light filtering through the clouds to provide any guide to the road he was on. Thankfully, he tended to run the same few routes and so he knew his way. The problem was with the oppressive darkness he couldn’t see the road surface very well and as such he stumbled and tripped over uneven surfacing, dislodged rocks, and encroaching vegetation. More than one of these stumbles sending him tumbling to the blacktop and skidding across the roughened surface. Both his palms were scratched and bloody, and he was pretty sure he’d ripped a hole in the elbow of his jacket as well.

Still – he pushed through, and when he saw the lights of the village appear in the distance as he crested a low hill, he picked up speed. That was when he took his worse fall yet, his ankle rolling on a large rock on the edge of the road, sending Aaron tumbling head over ass into the middle of the road. Aaron felt his left temple and cheek scrape the rough road, and a warm wetness spread on his left leg as he was pretty sure he’d ripped a hole in his running tights. When his momentum had carried him through the fall and he stopped rolling, Aaron simply rolled onto his back, staring up into the black sky. He was in the middle of the road, and if a car came along he wasn’t sure he could get out of the way quick enough…and for a moment Aaron considered just lying there and seeing what would happen.

That’s when he heard a car approaching. It was going fast, faster than the speed limit, Aaron could tell just by the sound of the engine. Grimacing against the aches and scrapes and bloodied mess of his body, Aaron was just getting to his feet when the car crested the hill from the other side and Aaron was blinded and bathed in the bright white light of the headlights. Unable to do much more than raise his arms in front of him in a vain attempt at protecting himself, Aaron braced himself for the hit. But the driver of the car must have been paying a lot closer attention than Aaron gave credit because instead of hitting him, the car swerved and hit the shoulder of the road, spitting gravel and dirt as it fishtailed to a skidding halt.

Aaron released a long breath, dropping his bloodied hands to his knees as a wave of lightheadedness washed over him. The adrenaline from the fall, and the near miss, coursing through him and his heart pounded loud in his chest.

He was still leaning over, sore, bloody hands on his sore, bloody knees, when the driver of the car appeared at his side.

“Aaron?”

Robert.

“What the hell, Aaron?”

Aaron was too much of a mess to refuse Robert’s assistance as he gently guided him to his car, sitting crooked and precariously on the shoulder, on the wrong side of the road. If another car came along from the other direction, it could hit them…but Aaron had not the energy to voice this concern as he let Robert ease him onto the back bumper.

Aaron let himself perch against the car, the pounding in his chest easing some as he worked to capture his breath and ease the surging adrenaline. His legs were wobbly and his hands shaking, but he was slowly regaining his senses.

“Shit,” Robert said, breathy and with worry, “what the hell are you doing out here and what the hell happened to you?”

Aaron just shook his head, refusing to make eye contact with Robert. Now the adrenaline was fading, the events of the day were coming back to him, in full focus. He heard concern in Robert’s voice, but he also heard his taunting and sneering from earlier.

“I could have killed you,” Robert added, and Aaron wasn’t sure if he was talking to him, or to himself. “Anyone could have killed you. What are you doing running at night in all black?”

“It’s fine,” Aaron replied, his chest tight, “I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine,” Robert sighed, “you’re a mess.”

Aaron didn’t respond to that, instead he used the red glow from Robert’s taillights to assess the damage to his hands and his knee. His running tights were ripped, but it wasn’t bad. His hands were fairly thrashed and it was going to make work a challenge for a few days. Reaching up, Aaron touched the left side of his temple where he felt his pulse pounding. His finger came back red with blood.

“Let me drive you back,” Robert said, his hand coming to rest on Aaron’s shoulder.

“No,” Aaron pushed away from the car, feeling back in control of himself. It was only a few more miles back to the village. He could make it. He didn’t need Robert’s help.

“I was coming to see you anyway,” Robert said and Aaron, for the first time that night, lifted his gaze to look into Robert’s eyes.

“I wanted to apologize. For what I said,” Robert’s expression was earnest, and he seemed sincere. But Aaron had seen so many sides to Robert, just in the last twelve hours alone, that he wasn’t inclined to trust anything he had to say.

“I shouldn’t have said any of that stuff. I didn’t mean it, and I’m sorry. Really. I wish I’d not said anything,” Robert’s hand reached again and lighted on Aaron’s shoulder. The weight of it steadying him, and Aaron hated himself for needing Robert’s touch.

“Okay,” Aaron said noncommittally, moving away from Robert and not allowing himself to mourn the loss of his touch once again.

“Okay?”

“Just go,” Aaron said, and it wasn’t lost on him the confusion and desperation that crossed Robert’s features.

He was inclined to believe Robert – the man was putting far too much effort into this…whatever it was, for it to be false. But all the wounds were still too fresh. And Aaron still needed distance; and time.

“Aar-,” Robert started to move towards him again, but stopped when Aaron stepped back and held up a hand.

“Go,” he repeated, softly, before turning and jogging away, his bloodied joints screaming at him to stop, to accept Robert’s help and to get into the car; but Aaron pushed through, turning away all thoughts of anything other than getting back to the pub where he could unwind and unknot his twisted body under the hot spray of the shower.

**_~~ March/April 2015 ~~_ **

_The moment he heard Robert had been arrested and charged for Katie’s death was one of the worst moments in Aaron’s life. Not only because he was finding it hard to believe the man he’d loved (still loved, really) and who had loved him back could be so brutal and cruel, but also because he was scared for himself. He didn’t know what Robert might say or do to save his own skin; he didn’t know if Robert would throw him under the bus to divert blame and anger._

_He just didn’t know. The last time they’d spoken, Aaron had been awful to him – telling him he hated him. Which…was true. But he hated him because he still loved him. It’s a fine line between love and hate._

_So Aaron spent the whole first night after hearing the news in a state of readiness; ready to bolt at the first sign of police; ready to find a new place to live when his mother learned of his involvement and disowned him; ready to finally take the blame and punishment that was due him._

_But no one ever came for him. And the only talk about Katie was the entirety of the village expressing various levels of shock that one of their own – a man who came from such an esteemed and respected family – could commit such an atrocious crime. And for what? No one knew why…and that more than anything kept the gossip going for months after the dust settled._

_A few days after Robert’s arrest, Vic burst into the backroom of the Woolpack in a total state because Robert had pleaded guilty to manslaughter. There’d be no trial. He was going to prison._

_Aaron felt a mixture of relief, and fear, and heartache for the pain his friend was in. And if he were honest, he was scared for Robert, too. Scared for what he might endure in prison. Scared for what that might do to him._

_But above all else, Aaron preferred these fears to the shame he felt if he considered what he’d gotten away with. If he thought too long or too much about his part. He should be in prison, too. Alongside Robert. He’d brought Katie to that place and while he may not have pushed her to her death – like they were saying Robert had done – he had been the SOLE reason she’d even been at the farm in the first place._

_And so he ran. To escape the guilt, and to forget. It worked, and eventually he was able to go most days without thinking about it. That is until he saw Vic, or Diane…or Andy._

_Chas was elated but also enraged when the verdict was delivered and he got four years. It was the minimum sentence for involuntary manslaughter. Accidental death they’d called it – according to the papers. And Chas had railed against the unfairness of no trial; of no one speaking up for Katie – the true victim. She was certain Robert had played more of his manipulative games on the judge in the case. That was the only way she could fathom such a pitiful sentence. Aaron let her vent, and offered no agreement nor argument. He couldn’t. Not that she wanted it or needed it. She just needed to let it all out. It didn’t help Aaron’s guilt, though, and his mother’s upset became another thing on the long list of things he ran to avoid._

_Diane and Vic were…troubled. Neither wanted to believe it, but neither could refuse the truth of it since Robert himself had plead guilty to the charges. That must mean it to be true, they’d both lamented many times. They were angry, and horrified, and ashamed. Diane took almost a month off – leaving for a long holiday in Greece in order to deal with the shock of the turn of events._

_Vic, not in any place to run away like her pseudo-mother figure, was left to deal with villagers staring at her, and angry shouts about her brother. She took it in stride, head held high when in public, but privately she was devastated. Privately she agreed with the angry masses and she hated Robert for what he’d done. She was heartbroken and lost and felt like her family had been completely blown apart – and for no discernible reason she could figure out._

_Was it all to do with Andy being happy and Robert not? Where Robert and Katie actually having an affair again? What had possessed Robert to act in such a way against his brother’s wife?_

_These were the questions everyone was asking, and this was the main source of conversation at the scrapyard as well. Adam venting his own frustrations at what Robert had put his sister through. Aaron dealt with Adam’s monologues as best he could. There was no reason he could give as to why he didn’t want to hear about or talk about Robert, and so he had to endure the endless slagging off, and name-calling, and visceral and brutal anger Adam expressed on behalf of his truly heartbroken girlfriend._

_It was simply yet another point to add to Aaron’s list of things he was to blame for._

_Then there was Andy._

_The village as a whole was fantastic with Andy. Giving him space and for the most part not pointing and staring and asking inappropriate questions of him. He didn’t come into the village much – preferring to stay at Butlers and deal with the turn of events in a more private way. But Moira and Cain provided enough updates to those who needed to know. And Aaron seemed to constantly be around when those updates were provided. Andy was emotionally destroyed, of course. The love of his life – the woman he’d had and lost then got back again – had been ripped from him in the most brutal and permanent of ways. He was going through the motions, simply working and eating and sleeping and not doing much else._

_Aaron could relate to those feelings – memories of the days and weeks after Jackson died coming to the forefront of his mind almost daily. And though he’d mostly dealt with the guilt of what he’d done in that situation, pieces of it came back tenfold. Mixing with the guilt for his part of Katie’s death, Aaron wondered if he was doomed to spend his life either directly or indirectly causing death to people around him._

_In mid-April, Aaron was shocked when Adam told him Vic had decided to go see Robert. Diane was back from her holiday and they’d had an intense conversation about forgiveness and guilt and apparently they were going to go see him and hear what he had to say for himself._

_No one had seen Robert since before he’d been arrested. No one went to the sentencing; no one had visited him since he’d been locked up. Aaron had tried not to think about how alone and isolating that must feel – because he wasn’t sure Robert deserved any pity. Not if he’d really pushed Katie to her death like the articles reported; like the transcript of the plea read._

_The day of their visit, Aaron was unusually anxious and short-tempered. He had no patience of Bob’s attempts at humor at the café, and zero tolerance for Paddy’s attempts to distract him with teasing taunts._

_So he isolated himself in the backroom of the pub. His mum was out front, covering while Diane and Vic went to the prison. There’d been some tension between his mum and Diane when the latter had said where she was going – but his mum also understood family loyalty. And so while she was understandably upset and angry that her business partner and one of her closest friends was purposefully visiting the man who was responsible for Katie’s death, she also understood why Diane had to do it. Robert was Jack’s son; and Diane had loved Jack._

_Aaron was proud of his mum for being rational (as much as she could be) about the developments, but he still worried about what would happen when Diane visiting became a more regular thing. Aaron was under no delusions that Diane and Victoria would forgive Robert – or forgive him as much as they could. They were both too kind-hearted to bear a grudge, particularly against family. Aaron foresaw much angst and anger coming for them both, from Chas and also from Andy._

_Aaron had seen Andy the day Diane and Vic had gone to see Robert. He was picking up some stuff from David’s and when he saw Aaron come out of the pub he called him over._

_Immediately, Aaron was on the defensive. After everything he still felt compelled to stand up for Robert…as much as he could without coming across as uncaring, or as much as he could without drawing unwanted attention to himself._

_“Hiya,” Andy greeted as Aaron approached Land Rover Andy was loading with bags._

_“Alright,” Aaron replied, stuffing his hands deep into his jeans pockets and balling them into fists in an attempt to calm his nerves._

_“Haven’t seen you in, in awhile,” Aaron commented, indicating his head towards the pub._

_Andy just nodded._

_“Not been in the mood,” he replied and Aaron clenched his jaw, nodding._

_“I heard Vic and Diane were going to see Robert today,” Andy said then._

_“Yeah, they uh, left a few hours ago,” Aaron said slowly, his heart racing with nerves. He didn’t want to talk about this. Not with Andy – not with anyone – but particularly not with Andy._

_“I know he said it was an accident, and the court believed him,” Andy paused, looking off into the distance, “but I just can’t believe that he did it. I know he hates me. But to hurt Katie? And why? It makes no sense!”_

_Aaron stared at him, at a loss for words. Andy was looking at him as if he expected Aaron to have the answers. And while Aaron had some answers, they would not ease Andy’s pain if he were to hear them. Aaron might feel a moment’s relief, but Andy would hurt even more._

_Aaron just shrugged and shook his head. It was all he trusted himself to do._

_“Sorry. I know you don’t have the answers,” Andy sighed deeply, “it just feels good to say these things to someone who doesn’t try to whitewash what happened. Or give me false platitudes that it’ll get better. I know the pain will ease, but I will miss her forever.”_

_Aaron’s heart clenched in his chest and he gritted his teeth hard in an attempt to prevent the very real threat of tears._

_“I know,” Aaron nodded, “I mean, I know that feeling and those platitudes. And it will hurt less. Over time. Eventually one day you’ll be able to think of her and it won’t be like a dagger to your heart.”_

_Aaron paused and cleared his throat. He felt like an imposter for giving Andy such advice when he was part of the reason Andy was hurting in the first place._

_Andy just offered a sad smile and without another word, lifted a hand and then climbed into his truck._

_Aaron watched him go, feeling for the first time like maybe he had done at least one thing right in this whole big, giant mess._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've been jumping around a bit with the flashbacks, so I hope they make sense. From here on out there'll be fewer of them, and they'll be more chronological. Thanks for reading.


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